A New Point of View
by Viv1
Summary: The events of Point of View forces Sam and Jack to see their relationship in a new light. Completed!
1. Realisation

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A New Point of View

By [Viv][1]

STATUS: Complete (currently being edited)

CATEGORY: SJ Friendship/Romance

RATING: PG13

SPOILERS/SEASON INFO: Major ones for Point of View; minor ones for Children of the Gods, Brief Candle, Solitudes, In the Line of Duty, Out of Mind, Into the Fire, Learning Curve. The story pretty much diverges from the SG-1 universe after Point of View.  
ARCHIVE: SJ Relationship Archive and Heliopolis; all others just drop me a line.

SUMMARY: The events of Point of View forces Sam and Jack to see their relationship in a new light.

DISCLAIMER: All characters on Stargate SG-1 that appear in this story is owned soley and exclusively by MGM, Double Secret Productions and World Gekko Corp. The author is in no way appropriating these characters for monetary gains, and any infringement on the rights of the aforementioned companies is wholly unintended. References to place names and plot lines that appeared on Stargate SG-1 is likewise the property of the above companies. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my first 'epic' (ie. long!) Stargate fanfic so, needless to say, I'm kinda nervous about what I've done. Please, please give me feedback! It would help me so much! 

Copyright (c) Vivian Ngan December 1999 - January 2001

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CHAPTER ONE

Major Samantha Carter averted her eyes from the scene unfolding before her in the mirror. Beyond the surface in the alternate reality from whence her fellow team members had just returned, a strangely poignant scene was being played out. She saw herself, or rather a mirror image of herself, tenderly stroking the handsome yet worn face of her commanding officer, Colonel Jack O'Neill. Her large round eyes were moist with unshed tears and her long, flowing blonde hair cascaded down her back. In all physical respects she and this mirror image were identical - in fact, they *were* actually the same person, but from alternate realities. She was struck now, as she carefully kept her gaze firmly plastered onto the floor just below the mirror, of how much of who she was now had been forged from the unique choices that she had to make, and how much there was that was inherited from her genes. What if she hadn't chosen to join the Air Force ... what if they hadn't accepted her ... what if she hadn't chosen to try to attain that high standard of excellence that became her as her father's daughter? What if she hadn't devoted precious hours to a field of study where she currently excelled at ... was able to help people with ... what would she have been like then? Would the result have been a completely unknowable Samantha Carter, or this other Samantha ... not an officer in the United States Air Force, but a civilian theoretical astrophysicist that had been happily married and still doing what she loved most? Had it been her fate or her choices that had ultimately determined who she was and who she was going to be?

Sam didn't know. Still secretly reeling from the revelation so indelicately betrayed by the other reality's Major Kawalsky, that this *other* Sam Carter had actually been married to their reality's Colonel O'Neill, loved him with such depth and passion and force that had quite literally stung her into speechlessness. It was all she could do at that point to stare, blank eyed, at Colonel O'Neill seated opposite her at the large SGC conference table. His eyes had darted with embarrassment from face to face, had looked towards her with more than a hint of unease, then had finally settled onto a spot directly in front of him on the table. Sam, usually reserved, could not contain the sensation of mild incredulity that had overtaken her being as Major Kawalsky explained how he would never let "his best friend's wife" go back to that other Goa'uld infested dimension alone.

His best friend's wife. Those words rang in her ears. They sounded sweet to her, like a faint echo carried on a summer's breeze. The more she thought about it the more those words seemed to resound within her. It was as if she had lost all ability to control her mind. Images danced in her vision and carried with it faint snatches of musical joy ... 

Sam had dragged her consciousness back to the meeting. What Colonel O'Neill had felt when he first discovered this fact she couldn't tell - judging by his reaction, she guessed that he had known for some time. That only served to heighten her confusion and uncertainty.

Sam, in her capacity at the SGC, had handled a variety of unusual situations - as evidenced by her experiences since joining SG-1. Her job there had allowed her to see so many strange and wonderful things, that her mind was now constantly opened to new possibilities as they presented themselves. But this - that in her own world, this other *her* had been married to Colonel O'Neill, and that they had been happy together - it was as if that had been the most difficult to process during the last few days. It was strangely personal, and seemed to strike a discordant note within her. Sam was faintly aware that in a secret part of her soul she wondered what it would be like to be with him ... wondered if she could soothe and calm that tempestuous and tortured soul within him ...

Beyond the mirror, Colonel O'Neill and the other Samantha Carter had separated from their tight, departing embrace. Sam noted that even the usually sarcastic Colonel was affected by her Dr. Carter's deep love for that other him. She wondered whether he envied him ... Sam knew that she envied that other her.

He deftly disentangled himself and was instantly in the room with them again as General Hammond switched the alternate reality device off. The picture of that long-haired, blue eyed Doctor Carter wavered and dissipated from the mirror.

The personnel that had been jammed into the tiny storage room were silent. Although conditioned to the strange, often intergalactic occurrences that formed part of the daily routine at the Cheyenne Mountain facility, the possibility of an infinite number of parallel realities seemed to peculiarly touch each person with an unanswered question of their own.

"Well people, I think this has been quite a day for us. What's say we take it easy for the rest of the day?" General Hammond issued the command with softer than usual tone, in keeping with the somewhat sombre pall that had descended on those present. He gestured towards SG-1 as personnel were exiting the room.

"I think it'd be best if SG-1 took some time off from duty. It's been a hectic couple of weeks and I won't blame you if your nerves feel a bit raw. I won't have it said that my primary team aren't always in ship-shape condition." He smiled kindly at Daniel and Teal'c. "I think you people really need some rest. And you two -" he switched his attention to Sam and Colonel O'Neill, "I don't even want to imagine what that must have been like for you two, finding out things like that. That's why I think it best for you to return home for the next 36 hours. Just to recharge some batteries. So, for the time being, SG-1 will be at a stand-down." He smiled warmly at all of them.

Colonel O'Neill made a move to protest but the General was adamant. He ordered that they were to be driven home straight away.

Sam walked in an animated trance. She didn't know why all this had bothered her so much. After all, didn't Jolinar's invasion of her body rank as a much more dramatic event than finding out some alternate reality version of herself had been married to your commanding officer? Sam's scientifically geared mind turned the question over and over. She sighed. She knew that she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it that night.

She stole a sideways glance at Colonel Jack O'Neill as she effortlessly fell into step beside him. He seemed as unperturbed as ever, staring mindlessly into the distance as they were kindly escorted to the surface level of the Stargate facility. His dark brown eyes, empty and withdrawn now, were at other times capable of much more unrestrained expression. When he had believed himself dying from premature ageing, there had been tremendous sorrow and regret in those eyes; whenever the team were in a dangerous situation, there was always a steely twinkle that seemed to suggest his conviction that they would always make it out alive; and when they had all been captured by Hathor and led to believe that their fellow team members had died, she had seen a genuine and deep-seated anguish. Such intensity of feeling that she would have backed away from, if only that expression hadn't been for her. 

She remembered the moment well. They had both been so happy to discover that the other was alive that, for once in their working relationship, they had flung all military formality aside and hurled themselves at each other without restraint. Then of course there had been an awkward moment afterwards when they both realised what that surge of energy suggested as their bodies came into contact was probably best not discussed in the middle of Goa'uld territory. When they had been safely returned to the SGC the right moment seemed to perpetually evade them until gradually there was an implicit agreement to let it go.

As they were ushered into the waiting elevator, Sam was struck suddenly by a question that she had never before posed to herself. What in the world would she do if Jack O'Neill disappeared from her life? She realised only now how fully she had come to rely on his judgement, the wisdom born of experience, and that charming boyish confidence. It came as a somewhat humbling thought to the vastly independent Major Samantha Carter to realise that she now considered Colonel Jack O'Neill one of the most important people in her life.

**********

Sam got up from her bed for the umpteenth time that night and headed towards the kitchen for a glass of water. She had predicted that tonight would be a night of sleepless meandering, yet she was now nevertheless quite unequal to the task of doing anything about it. She was in a state of nervous agitation. Every fibre of her being seemed infused with a crazed, maniacal energy that compelled her body into constant motion. She was at a loss as to what to do. She had already digested all the quantum mechanics she could for one night. She had typed up her report outlining the activities of the previous few days. She had cleaned and scrubbed until her home was devoid of dirt. There didn't seem to be any other thing she could do.

Well maybe there was one more thing she conceded to herself. Sam picked up the phone and speed dialled it to Daniel. She and Dr. Daniel Jackson, the team's archaeological and linguistics expert were quite close and talked often, especially after a particularly arduous expedition. She found it easier to converse with him than to the other two members from her team since he felt like such a brother to her. Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill were both somewhat reserved when it came to personal confidences.

"Daniel? It's me, Sam." Daniel didn't sound sleepy, suggesting that he had been staying up again. It was often his practice to completely forget about the time while studying some fascinating point of contention in ancient history or arguing with fellow archaeology experts half a world away on an interesting question that had occurred to him on their travels. Daniel was a being possessed when it came to discovering more about ancient cultures. 

"Hey Sam, what's up? You sound tired." Although painfully absent-minded at times, Daniel could always be depended upon to immediately ferret out that something was up. He was one of the most sensitive and caring souls she had ever met. And every time she realised that her heart filled with sympathy for him thinking how his wife had been cruelly ripped away from him by Apophis to serve as his consort. She respected him as a person even more, knowing that he had been able to channel his anger productively and retain his sweet and sensitive disposition.

"Uh ... It's strange really. I didn't realise how much it's affecting me." She replied falteringly. It had always been hard for Sam to open up, even to a friend as patient as Daniel. It seemed like there was an automatic clamp down procedure inside her whenever she approached sensitive personal topics.

"Uh ... what exactly?" Sam could hear him mentally shifting all his focus onto the conversation. Daniel knew that Sam needed time and space to pour her heart out, and he could sense that whatever it was, it must have been important. Sam's feathers usually didn't get ruffled quite that easily.

"It's ... the whole inter-dimensional thing the past few days. Meeting myself from another reality ... seeing her ... hearing that she had this similar yet incredibly different life from me. It's strange ... confronting ..." She frowned and let her voice trail off. It had been harder than she had thought to broach the subject that she had been wrestling with for most of the night.

"Well, I think it'd be difficult for anyone really. I mean, particularly about Jack and you ... I mean with that other you." Daniel had guessed what had her contorted with agitation, and rather characteristically had approached it with care and caution, tactful as ever. Sam inwardly thanked him. She was finding it slightly easier to breathe now.

"Yes. I mean, how much of what we are, what our life is, is directly attributable to fate ... how much is the result of what we ourselves decide? I mean, I used to believe that you meet someone, and you fall in love with them, and you want to marry them, and it would be perfect because ... Well, that person would be 'the one'. The one you're fated to be with, to share your dreams and your life with. And seeing them together today ... it was like ... that ideal from myself confronted me as I was watching them. I mean ... either the person we end up with is just the right person at the right time, a freak of nature; or it could be like how I've always imagined it to be, that there's this magical bond of fate with the person you're meant to be with." Sam paused to crystallise her thoughts. "And that idea makes me more uncomfortable because it would mean ..." she couldn't get the rest of her ridiculous idea out of her mouth.

"...That you and Jack were meant to be together." Daniel finished it off for her. She was grateful that he had not laughed in her face. She usually credited herself with expressing at least semi-coherent ideas that followed some train of logic, but this idea of her and Colonel O'Neill ... Jack ... *together* ... seemed to defy all logic. It seemed to repulse any notion of sense, yet there was that something there, that had been forged out of the heat of danger and battle during their missions, and it made her heart start to swim to entertain such an idea ...

It had been there for awhile, but she had felt it most acutely when they had been attempting to break out of Hathor's trap the second time. His obvious relief at finding her still alive; his protective grasp of her, as he had held her tight against him to avoid an encounter with Hathor's guards ... but mostly she was surprised at her own instinctive grasp of him in those terrifying moments, wishing fervently that the guards would go past them unnoticed. And then they had embraced, without thought or caution, when he had emerged from the cryogenic chamber still in reasonable control of his own body. Her surge of relief at that moment was one of the most strongest emotions she had felt in her life. That relief had paralleled the sickeningly wrenching sensation she had felt when she watched as Hathor glided up to him and made him a host to a Goa'uld, promising that he would watch himself kill his friends. The concern she had felt was not for herself but for him. She had reasoned afterwards that she would have felt the same way if Daniel or Teal'c had been similarly threatened. And yet now she was unsure whether this was in fact the case.

But it was utter ridiculousness to be even contemplating such a possibility. She felt sure that whatever respect and friendship Colonel O'Neill had for her, that was *all* that he had for her. She was his subordinate, and that was that. It would be committing emotional suicide to go any further.

Yet the look of loving adoration that the other Sam had bestowed upon him grated at her with enough intensity to make her uneasy. Her science had taught her to seek our answers to questions, and the events of the last couple of days definitely raised a question that was begging to be answered.

"Daniel I know it sounds ... crazy ... *stupid*. It's not as if I had any ... feelings ... for him." Sam inwardly cringed at the thought. "It's just that ... it's making me uneasy to think that I'll always be wondering what might have been. It's really bothering me, and I don't know why!" Sam could feel her anger and frustration mounting with each moment.

"Sam, I think it's been a really confusing couple of days for you. It's a lot to absorb for anyone, what with meeting, well, yourself from another reality, and to find out that you and Jack were ... well ... I think you should take a step back from all of this. Do something completely unrelated. In the meantime, you should definitely take a nice hot shower, drink some warm milk and get some sleep. I don't recall we particularly had too much of that at the SGC the last couple of days." Sam could almost hear his sympathetic smile from the other end of the phone.

"Yes, you're right ... I know ... Thanks for listening to me Daniel. You can go back to arguing with that French archaeologist now."

He laughed. "... I was actually cross referencing unorthodox theories relating to the origin of the ancient Mayan civilisation to determine if we've come across any similarities to cultures on our missions."

Sam laughed at his enthusiasm. "You get some sleep too, okay?"

"Will do. Good night Sam. Try not to worry about it too much." Sam smiled as she replaced the receiver onto the phone. She did feel better now. Talking to Daniel had soothed her somewhat frayed nerves . Humming a tuneless melody, she headed towards the bathroom for a hot, relaxing bath.

   [1]: mailto:vivngan@iname.com



	2. Emotions

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CHAPTER TWO

An hour later, armed with a warm cup of milk and the most boring book she could find on her bookshelf, Sam climbed into bed. She was about to open the book when the phone beside her rang. 

Surprised she picked it up. "Hello?"

"Uh ... hey, Carter ... Did I wake ya?" Colonel Jack O'Neill's voice rang clearly through the phone.

"No ..." Sam was unable to make the surprise in her voice. "Not at all sir. I was just reading a book." All of a sudden the hard work at relaxation had been undone.

"O...kay..." He sounded twice as hesitant as she did.

"Was there something specific you wanted to talk to me about Sir?" Sam groaned inwardly. She could've kicked herself. She sounded so distant and impersonal, a model of military formality. 

"Well, as a matter of fact, I did." The Colonel sounded unusually intent and focused. "It's kinda weird, but I think I - *we* - need to talk about it. Get the air cleared up as soon as possible and all that." He had reverted to his usual sarcastic tone.

"Sure Sir. Ah ..." Sam was treading on very unfamiliar territory. While close, she had never really voluntarily interacted on such a personal level with him before. They were both so taciturn at times that getting them to open up was like drawing blood out of a stone.

"Okay ... At the risk of sounding completely crazy ... Carter, I'm outside your house. Would you mind if I came in?" The Colonel's voice rang with uncertainty. Evidently this was unchartered territory for him too.

"Sure ..." Sam was well and truly caught out and had no idea how to react. She had just enough sense to put a robe over her pajamas before opening the door and admitting a partially soaked Jack O'Neill into her home.

He stepped in slowly, and seemed to approach her with ambivalence. At that moment, time seemed to steady and slow to a melodious crawl as they surveyed each other in the pearly light emitted by the moon. His breath caught in his throat, tiny droplets of rain dripped from the ends of his greying hair. Sam was arrested by the strangeness of this encounter, her mind unwittingly recalling that tortuous time when they had been diverted from their Stargate by a power surge that had plunged them into the middle of the Antarctic landscape. She had lain beside him as he was dying and she had inwardly sobbed as his will slowly drained away, using his ebbing energy to faintly grasp at that pinpoint of hope that had sustained him before. She had heard him whisper "Sara" in a tone of such gentle salvation that all she wished then was to give his vision some life ... And so she had replied with a broken voice, "Jack", while rebellious tears coursed down her face. She had wished then that *she* could have been that saviour, the person he would cling to in the last moments before death. And standing there, facing him tonight, it was as if that was what his eyes were conveying to her, that she would be the one who he would hold on to, hold on until there was no longer the will for him to hold on.

Sam's thoughts were whirling about in a tumultuous manner, crowding out her ability to think. She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. The silence seemed to hang undispelled in the air between them.

Suddenly, he bridged the space between them with one determined step, wrapped his battle scarred hands around her face and kissed her gently. This barely took a fraction of a second to register with Sam before she responded, pressing her lips more forcefully to his. She could taste the bitterness left by the whiskey he must have been drinking before he had come over to see her. She lost all track of time as she felt her own hands moving unbidden, one wounding around his body and the other running through his closely cropped hair. They emitted no sound; it was a softly sweet moment tempered with gentle, newly-released passions.

At long last they disentangled their bodies from one another. Sam couldn't really tell who had instigated this; she just knew that one moment their lips were locked in a heated embrace, and the next they were standing awkwardly facing each other, his frame outlined from behind by the softness of the moon. Its light cast a pale glow over the contours of his face.

He shifted uncomfortably, visibly ill at ease. Sam wished she knew what to do; hours of military training in dealing with unusual situations didn't particularly help in this one. Even her trademark logic deserted her just then. She thought how ridiculous it was for them to be standing there gawking at each other in the middle of the night, and so made a move to let him in.

"Sir, why don't you -"

"Sam, that was just -" They started speaking at the same instant. Sam's cheeks coloured as the Colonel gestured for her to go first.

"Sir, I was just going to say, why don't you come in? It'd probably be more comfortable inside." 

"Much warmer." He smiled and stepped further into the house, allowing her to close the door gently behind him. Sam could see how nervous he was - he fidgeted with his hands, then stuck them into the pockets of his jacket.

"Ah ... hey, you know, when we're on stand down, you don't *really* have to call me Sir if you don't want to. Jack's fine with me." He looked at her pointedly.

"Okay ... Jack." Sam uttered the words uncertainly. She felt very strange using the his name, as if by doing so it would bring him closer to her. She had only ever used his name in times of distress.

He was looking around her lounge room in obvious discomfort. Neither knew exactly what was going on and the exchange at the doorway just a few moments before served to plunge them into a state of confusion. Sam had been relatively composed before opening the door, but now ... she smiled at Jack a little hesitantly.

"Ah, Sir ... Jack ... do you want something to drink? Something ... I've got water ... orange juice ... beer ..."

"No, no ... it's fine Sam ...ah ...Do *you* wanna get something for yourself?"

"Oh - no, it's okay." An awkward pause ensued. "Why don't we sit down - and ... *talk*." She gestured to the sofa in the lounge room.

"Yeah ... *talk*..." Jack gave the word a sarcastic emphasis as he seated himself somewhat gingerly down onto the comfortably sofa. "I was never very good at that." He gave her a rueful smile.

Sam smiled warmly if a little uncomfortably in reply. She had trouble even contemplating that she and Colonel O'Neill ... Jack ... were sitting in her house in the middle of the night and doing ... well God knows what they were going to do.

"This is uncomfortable." She said light-heartedly, in an effort to break the silence.

"*Really* uncomfortable Sam." They shared an awkward laugh. Sam noticed that he had used her name more times in this conversation than he had collectively during their missions this year. Her mind reeled at the implications. 

"So ... I never got to really talk to you about the whole 'twin' thing. How are you really doing about that?"

Sam was taken aback by his directness. As long as she had known him, Jack O'Neill had rarely instigated direct emotional contact. Sure, there had been times when he had ventured to ask her, Daniel or Teal'c how they were coping with certain things, but it had always been done in the capacity of a commanding officer, or as a friend. Here ... well, she was pretty sure that he wasn't addressing the question to her in his former capacity. The surprise shocked her into awkward truthfulness.

"I ... it was really weird looking at her. It was like looking into a mirror, except the image was of myself as I could have been, if not for some choices I had to make in my life. I mean, we were so alike in so many ways ... yet, so different." She ventured a look towards him. His hazel eyes were clouded with intense concern. "I mean, she was married to -" here Sam stopped herself, embarrassed to state the obvious. "She was married for one thing ... and for another she wasn't in the Air Force ... I can't imagine myself doing that." Jack was nodding, considerately remaining silent.

Sam inhaled deeply. She was skirting around the obvious issue here, the thing that had not allowed her to sleep, that which had propelled Jack over to come see her at this time of night, and both of them knew it. She decided to take the plunge and confront her feelings towards him ... before she lost her nerve.

"Actually, the thing that bothered me the most was ... *us*." She looked straight into his eyes and saw a conflict of warring emotions in its expressive depths. "What might have been ... or what it could be ..." at this she kept her eyes firmly on the spot above her knee. She had just lost the bravery that had helped her utter those words, and now she felt the courage sapping out of her. This was proving to be more emotionally taxing than many of their missions through the Stargate.

Jack gingerly tilted her chin up towards him until her unwilling gaze met his. With his other hand, he brushed loose strands of her hair from her face, the gesture evolving into a gentle caress. Mesmerised, she felt a tingle of happiness emanating from his touch. She had no idea that Jack O'Neill was capable of such loving caresses.

Jack cupped her face with his hands. "Sam ... I'm not good at expressing myself ..." Sam gave him a slight smile, acknowledging the truth of that statement. "But I *can* say this. You make me want to live. That time on Antarctica ... that was *you*." He had dropped all the covering sarcasm that was characteristically in his voice and looked deeply into her eyes. 

"I think I'm falling in love with you, Samantha Carter." Without further comment he leaned in, his lips meeting hers in an infinitely more passionate exchange. Sam could feel his breath tingle on her skin as he leaned over and covered her neck with kisses while she buried her hands in his hair. She felt his hands close around her hips and thrilled with the anticipation of them travelling lower. Sam pressed her body firmly against his as they met in a spasm of heightened sensations, melding together like white molten metal. She allowed him to lift her slightly up from the couch so that he now lay on top of her.

"Wait, Jack." Sam broke their heated embrace. The whole situation didn't feel right. She feared that they were rushing too quickly into things that could never be reversed. She didn't want them to jump into bed and hump each other crazy like rabbits. 

Although she was sorely tempted to do so.

They were both breathing erratically from unsatiated passions. "I think ... we shouldn't be rushing this. I mean, there are consequences ..." She let her thought trail off and Jack caught her meaning right away.

"Yeah ... it's probably not a good idea right now." His eyes seemed to war with his words and Sam felt sure that her own eyes were doing the same. Nevertheless, they knew the importance of flouting the rules, and knew that before anything serious happened they needed to figure out exactly what they wanted to happen without allowing the powers that be to disband SG-1. Jack was important to her, Sam knew that. But she also knew that the other most important thing was being able to take part in the Stargate project. 

They sat up, rearranging their clothes that had gotten dishevelled in their amorous wrestling. Jack gave her a wry grin that seemed to say, Now what?

"Sir ... Jack." Sam corrected herself just in time, despite what had transpired between them moments before. "It's probably too late for you to head back home now ... so if you want, you could stay here."

"Sure." Jack couldn't have imagined a better invitation and grinned playfully. "The couch seems kinda lumpy to me ... mind if we bunk together?" He had asked that to shock her, not expecting her to seriously contemplate it.

Sam was up for the challenge. "Sure Colonel, if you can behave yourself." She gave him a alluring smile, wordlessly spun around and headed for the bedroom with Jack in tow. She had the distinct satisfaction of seeing his self-assured grin crack at her comment, but a moment later it was back.

"Only if you help me, Major." She broke into a smile at his suggestion and climbed into bed, every fibre of her being tensing in anticipation. She heard him take off his semi-soaked shirt and gently got into the bed beside her.

Sam was glad that they hadn't done anything tonight that they were regret later on. It was just so nice to feel his strong arms encircle her, and experience that saturatingly happy tingle that coursed through her as he laid beside her. Looking back, she had probably wished this exact same thing to happen on countless missions when they had been forced to sleep in the wilderness due to lack of shelter. She would have liked to sleep under the canvas of the stars in his arms, feel assured that he would always be there for her, and she for him.

Sam smiled into the darkness. She felt wonderfully reassured that tomorrow, she was going to wake up in the arms of a man that she was halfway to loving with all her heart and soul.

**********

Sam felt the warmth of the morning sunlight on her face as she slowly emerged from her dreamless, contented sleep. She felt gloweringly happy as she sensed the strong yet gentle embrace of the man still slumbering beside her. Jack's breathing was slow and steady, rhythmically propelling his body up and down. Sam looked up into his face and saw an expression she had rarely seen before - his forehead was less crinkled with worry, the lines less finely etched and the mask of slumber had the effect of temporarily stripping the pain and stress from his well-defined features, the combination of which made him appear calm and at peace. Sam realised that *this* is what he would have looked like without all the pain and sorrow he had experienced in his life - a younger, brighter, more enthusiastic version of him. But then she reflected that all the other possible permutations of him were not the same as this Jack ... *her* Jack.

Sam smiled more deeply this time, her dimples appearing. She really liked the thought of her Jack.

Her quiet contemplation of him was interrupted by its subject. The Colonel stirred, his arms tightening around Sam before loosening again as he slowly opened his eyes. Her round blue eyes met his half-opened hazel ones as they took a moment to simply absorb the presence of each other.

"Morning Major." He said teasingly as he broke into an unrestrained smile. His brown eyes danced in the morning light, and Sam had never seen him looking so alive and happy. Was this all due to her?

"Morning ... Colonel." Sam wrapped her arms around his body and pressed herself tighter against him. She was happy, although still a little unnerved that her commanding officer was rather unplatonically sharing the same bed as her. Being with him was however rapidly becoming more comfortably by the minute, and Sam knew that in another couple of hours she wouldn't be able to imagine living without him. She smiled at the thought.

She had smiled a lot that day.

"How did you sleep?" Sam asked, tilting her head up towards him as she spoke.

His smile deepened and his eyes looked down at her, conveying an honest and heartfelt appreciation. "The best I've had in a long time." He replied quietly. 

Sam knew what he had meant by that. He had told her some time ago that he had trouble sleeping ever since his son had died. Haunted by nightmares and visions of a son blaming him for his carelessness.

They remained quiet at that, each deeply lost in their own reflections. Sam knew Jack well and they were close, but sometimes she had no idea what he was thinking. That unsettled her a little; she was the type of person who needed to see what kind of ground she was standing on.

After an hour spent laying on the bed wrapped in each other's arms, Sam got up and headed for the bathroom. Jack, with a playfully injured look on his face, said, "Hey Sam, where're you going? I haven't finished with you!" 

Sam poked her head back into the room, making herself just visible. She had already undressed and there was nothing but a towel around her body.

"I'm just going to take a shower, then we can decide what we want to do today ... unless of course, you want to watch me study the naquadah generator we got from Orban?"

Jack needed an extra moment to recover from the sight of a near-naked Sam in such close proximity to him. His jaw was till hanging slightly open.

"No, no ... I think we'll go with the first plan. I think I'd like that a little more than studying that generator thing anyway." Sam threw him a smile as she headed back for the bathroom.

"Hey Sam ... need any help in there?" Jack was enjoying being so relaxed with her.

"Uh ... no, I think I can manage okay. It's not like I don't do this everyday." Jack could hear her golden smile resonating in her voice.

"Yeah ... can't blame a guy for trying!." He chuckled a little at the thought. This felt so good. Being relaxed, being free from worry, if just for a moment or two ... and mostly, being with Sam.

Well, it wasn't like he hadn't spent time with her before, what with going on so many missions together and having some damn close shaves during that time. But ... this was different ... completely, totally different.

Jack lay flat on his back staring at the ceiling as thoughts of Charlie crept into his consciousness. For the first time, thinking about him here, the memories didn't seem as painfully searing, nor laced with as much anger and regret. He could now remember the good times and smile, remembering what a good kid his son had been. The good memories were bright and golden as his son was golden, and although he would never forgive himself for what happened to Charlie, the acidic self-loathing that accompanied it seemed to be diminishing gradually with each passing day. Thinking about him still brought up bittersweet sensations, but at least this newer feeling didn't seem as self-destructive. His tortured heart would never let him forgive ... but being with Sam, even for this short a time, had eased his heartache just a little.

His thoughts were interrupted by the melodic chime of the doorbell. Jack lay completely still as indecision racked his body. He had no idea what to do. He could a) answer the door and surprise the hell out of whoever was on the other side, or b) not answer it and hope that it wasn't an emergency summons from the SGC. He hadn't discussed with Sam the finer details of their ... *whatever* they had here. She could get mad if he took it upon himself to make decisions that would impact on both of them without telling her. Women often did things like that.

(c) January 2001


	3. The Morning After

****

CHAPTER THREE

Jack sighed. "Oh what the hell." He said aloud and answered the door.

Dr. Daniel Jackson was speechless for longer than a moment as he digested the sight of a shirtless Colonel Jack O'Neill answering Major Samantha Carter's door. The incredulous expression in Daniel's eyes spoke volumes for his astonishment.

"*Jack* ... what are you doing here?" Daniel's earnest puppy dog eyes squinted inquiringly. 

"Uh ... *well* ..." Jack struggled for composure which wasn't helped by the slow blush that was stealing over his face. He hadn't been prepared to see a member from his own team. Obviously Sam and Daniel were much closer than he'd thought.

Daniel's mind clicked. "*Oh* ... I see." He tried unsuccessfully to smother a smile as he looked at Jack. Daniel was fighting a losing battle as Jack vainly struggled for some sense of dignity.

"Well, it's not like *that* ... You'd better come in. She's in the shower - she'll be out in a minute." Daniel stepped into the house with only a hint of a smile still visible on his face.

"Hey Danny? Would it be okay to keep all of this our little secret? Not including Teal'c, of course. It's just that ... I don't want Hammond and the rest of the base finding out until we've figured out what we have here." Jack looked like he was going for root canal work the way he was looking towards the younger man. "I mean," he scrowled, crinkling his face in concern, "it's not like I've even figured out what kind of 'thing' Sam and I have here. It's all kinda new to me." He left the rest unsaid.

"Oh I know." Daniel's features brightened, though he heroically still fought to keep a wide smile from spreading across his face. He tried to look more like his usual academic self.

Jack did a double take. "You *know*?" Evidently Sam and Daniel were *much* closer than he had thought.

"Oh ..." Daniel caught his meaning and grinned. "Sam called me last night. She had a lot of trouble sleeping and wanted someone to talk to." He paused. "Actually ... we talked mostly about you." He raised his eyebrows for emphasis. 

"What did you say to her?" O'Neill's combat-honed curiosity got the better of him, although he half-dreaded to hear what advice sensible Daniel would dispense to Sam about getting together with a loser like him. 

"Oh, I told her she needed to relax, drink some warm milk and take a hot bath. She was so hyped up she couldn't even talk properly."

"Really?" Jack said with a tiny smile. "That's awfully flattering."

"Not really. It was mainly the twin thing." Daniel covered his smile by turning around and heading towards Sam's kitchen. He was a little tempted to see what must be an absolutely priceless expression on Jack's face though. It wasn't often that he goaded Jack with any measure of success.

Daniel began rummaging through the cupboards in the kitchen, familiarly gathering the essential ingredients that constituted his life force - caffeine. Jack heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and quickly made his way in that direction.

Sam was in the middle of getting dressed, her shapely yet athletically toned legs already encased in a pair of comfortably fitting jeans.

"Hey." Sam started as Jack entered the room, closing the door behind him. "Nice." He grinned appreciatively.

"Uh, Colonel - Jack -" she automatically corrected herself, "I know things are a *little* different between us right now, but it's always a good idea to *knock* before you come in." She berated him good naturedly, not minding at the already more familiar way in which they were interacting with each other. Jack wrapped his arms around her waist and dipped his head into the curve of her neck, relishing her scent that brought a riot to his senses. God, she must have used at least a dozen different things in the shower - she smelt as sweet as the wild roses in his garden yet refreshingly alluring. He felt her hands rest briefly on his before patting it playfully away.

"You know Jack, if we want to get anything done today we have to start getting *dressed*." Jack released his hold reluctantly, giving her a puppy dog expression that Sam found so endearingly cute that she almost relented and dragged him back into bed with her. But luckily common sense prevailed and she continued to get dressed, putting on a black, three quarter sleeve length top that clung comfortably to her lithe frame. Jack sighed in obvious appreciation. 

"Yeah well, we don't *really* have to go out today ... we could just order in pizza, watch some movies ..." he paused as he read the expression on her face. "... or not." Sam turned around to face him as he continued. "Anyway, we might have sort of a problem here." She tensed immediately, her mind beginning to race with a myriad of possibilities, the most obvious one being that he might already have regretted crossing that invisible boundary between them. 

She was put at ease by his next words. "Daniel's here."

"Daniel? Here?" Sam quickly focused on the potential problem that Jack had been alluding to. Things had happened with Jack so fast that she felt sure that neither of them had the opportunity to properly process just what they had gotten themselves into, let alone how, or if, they were going to reveal it to anyone. After all, what with them going so completely in the face of Air Force regulations prohibiting fraternisation between officers, they now had to be extra careful at portraying and maintaining a completely professional working relationship around the SGC. And although Daniel was one of her best friends, he also worked with them around the base, and if any one of them let something slip ... things could get very complicated.

Very, very complicated.

"So ... he's here." Jack nodded in affirmation. "Does he know ... about us?" Sam felt a bit of trepidation, not at the thought of Daniel knowing about 'them', but rather, at the thought of there being a 'them' to talk about. Her and Jack. It was the first time either of them had really said it aloud. Before last night, they had been Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill, separate - mutually attracted, but separate entities. Now, they were Sam and Jack, a little two person unit all on their own, ionically bonded as polar opposites attracted, mutually involved ... and suddenly there was a 'them'. What were they exactly? Were they a couple? Were they dating? Having a relationship? ... what?

Jack saw the slight frown on Sam's face and guessed a little at what was transpiring in her mind.

"Well, I think he sort of put it together. Pretty quick in fact ... you know our space monkey." He turned around briefly and put his hands on her hips. "I kinda ... asked him to keep it quiet for a while, while we ... work out what we have here." He gestured between the two of them.

Sam smiled in relief. "You read my mind Sir." She had absently slipped into her old habit, returning to the more familiar form of military address as Jack stepped forward to envelope her in a deep kiss.

"Mmmmm ..." Sam leaned backwards away from his hold, savouring the wonderfully joyous sensation that had been transferred from his lips. "Much as I *love* doing this ..." He grinned as he leaned in further to deliver another kiss, his hands playfully running over her hips again before clasping at her back, locking her into his arms, " ... I believe Daniel is waiting outside ...?"

"Let him wait. He's happy as long as he's got his coffee." Jack said huskily, burrowing deeper into the crook of her neck and inhaling her sweetness. He could *definitely* get use to this.

Hell, he already was used to it. Being like this with Sam, bestowing kisses and hugs randomly, having her arms around him, her hands running through his hair ... it felt like the most natural thing in the world. If only he'd known what *this* felt like ... this heaven on earth, where roses smelt oh-so-sweet and Sam was his beautiful, golden-haired angel ...

Damn those regs for this not happening sooner!

Sam laughed aloud in pleasure. "Yeah, but Jack ... I think we really *should* go out ..." Her crystal blue eyes connected with his. He allowed her gentle hands to slowly entwine themselves with his and lead him towards the waiting Daniel.

Daniel awoke from his contemplation of the open National Geographic in front of him, a grin splitting his face from side to side. He took a sip of his coffee as he said, "Hi Sam. Sorry if I woke you up!" He was looking unusually exuberant, his child-like blue eyes sparkling with mirth behind his glasses. 

"No, it's okay Daniel, I was already awake ... having a shower."

"Oh yeah, Jack told me." At this his alert eyes darted down to glimpse their entwined hands, his grin growing impossibly wider.

"Yeah, anyway, I was on my way to see Catherine to talk about our latest finds and thought I'd stop by and check out how you were doing ..." he swivelled around to look at Jack, who was busying himself in the kitchen preparing something that faintly resembled breakfast, and turned back toward Sam again. "... but I can see that you're doing just fine..."

Sam grinned somewhat self-consciously as Jack made a face behind Daniel's back. "Thanks Daniel...." She paused as he took another sip of coffee.

"You know, I'm really happy for you guys. You deserve it." His eyes glinted with heartfelt warmth and friendship. Sam in reply conveyed her gratitude through her smile, before her eyes locked with Jack's over Daniel's head. The Colonel had momentarily paused in his food preparations and gave her a soft smile, strangely devoid of his usual inhibitions. It was a smile full of love and promise.

Daniel looked down and stared absent-mindedly at the swirling pool of black liquid in front of him. "You should live each day to the fullest. After all, you never know when happiness could be taken away." He appeared slightly downcast and Sam knew just what his mind was dwelling upon. His quest to find Sha're was now over three years old, and she knew there had been times during that when hope and despair had alternately driven him close to the edge. Sam's heart was once again touched by what must be perpetual anguish for her friend and she covered his hand in sympathy. Daniel looked up and seemed revived by it, giving her a resolute squeeze back. When they were off base he and Sam talked a lot, particularly on the phone, and he had confided to her countless times of his frustration at not being able to put his arms around his wife, talk to her as he had done on Abydos, or have her laugh at him while he was trying to do some simple chore. He smiled to let Sam know that it was okay.

Sam, struck forcibly by her friend's misfortune, realised suddenly just how lucky she was in finally being able to spend time with Jack in the way she wanted to. To have someone there that you could talk to, or to wrap your arms around, feel happy and warm and safe. She vowed silently to herself that she would never let herself forget just lucky she was.

Her silent sympathy was interrupted by Jack's call that breakfast was ready. Balancing three plates on his arm, he rounded the corner of the bench top and proceeded to place the loaded plates in front of Sam and Daniel. Sam's stomach rumbled in pleasure as she sniffed the surprisingly delicious aroma of the pancakes. She hadn't known that she was so hungry. And she also hadn't known that Jack could actually cook something edible.

"Eat up kids. This is Uncle Jack's specialty - butter and chocolate sauce on the way." He scooted around to the kitchen and reappeared with an armful of bottles. "Chocolate, strawberry, caramel ... oh yeah, and of course, ice-cream."

"Ice-cream?" Sam crinkled her nose in mock disgust. Ice-cream for breakfast? He's got to be kidding!

"I didn't know you could cook Jack." Daniel sounded more than mildly surprised. But then he had been surprised so many times that morning that he was probably becoming immune to the shock.

"Sure I can. I just never let you kids know." The Colonel plonked himself down at the table and began digging into the mountainous pile of pancakes in front of him. Sam had been used to seeing her brother eat copius amounts of food during his teenage years, but even she was shocked at the Colonel's appetite. How in the world could he eat that much?

"I seem to remember a time when you cooked that melted ice for us and you said you couldn't cook." Sam reminded him slyly, hardly believing that she could now laugh at the time when they'd been stuck in the middle of an ice crevasse, not knowing they were actually on Earth. "Now I know you weren't telling the truth ... " 

"Hey ... I was injured remember?" Jack looked up at her.

Daniel looked up momentarily from his semi-intense contemplation of his pancakes, now generously heaped with vanilla ice-cream and chocolate sauce. "Soon you'll be in an apron Jack, cooking Sam's breakfast for her everyday!" Jack threw him a look. Silence descended as all three ate. 

"You know, I used to love this when I was a kid ... my parents were always really busy, but once in a while they'd actually take a break and we'd all go and eat together ..."

Sam looked over at Jack whose face had suddenly sobered. "Charlie and I used to cook these for Sarah every Sunday morning ..." he said quietly. Sam's eyes widened and she pressed her hand into the outstretched ones of Jack. "I stopped after ... never felt like making them ... until today." He looked back at Sam and she was glad to see the itching pain and torment that used to be in his eyes whenever he mentioned Charlie had faded ever so slightly. Their gazes locked as Sam tried to convey that she would always be there for him whenever he needed her. No ifs. No buts. Always.

Jack squeezed her hand reassuringly and resumed eating while Daniel shuffled uncomfortably. It was painfully obvious to him how easily Sam and Jack had readjusted their perspectives on each other, and it was also equally as obvious that, for him at least, getting used to this new development would take some time. Although he was really, really happy for them, he was concerned about how it could affect the group dynamics of the whole team. Would he and Teal'c feel more like outsiders or intruders after this? He knew both Sam and Jack pretty well; Daniel felt sure that they would remain professional and military to the core around the base and wouldn't ever let their relationship get in their way on their missions.

"Oh guys ... I forgot to tell you before. I rang Teal'c when you guys were in ... the bedroom ... I told him to meet me here, since Catherine wanted to see him too. I hope you guys don't mind ..."

Sam trained sparkling blue eyes onto Daniel. "No, that's fine. Besides, I don't think Teal'c's ever had any of Jack's special pancakes before." Dimples appeared as her face creased into a mischievous smile.

Jack pretended to take mild offence. "Hey, hey! They are special ... you just don't want to admit it! Ask Danny ... he likes them!"

"What? Uh ... they're actually nice ... maybe a little ... sweet." Daniel enunciated carefully.

The sound of the doorbell eliminated the need for Daniel to comment further. Sam got up and went to answer it, returning with a puzzled Jaffa in tow.

"Good morning Major Carter, Daniel Jackson, Colonel O'Neill." He surveyed the table curiously and noted the assortment of condiments strewn over it. His eyebrow quirked upwards questioningly. "What manner of dish is this? I am unaccustomed with the uses of some of these items." 

Sam quickly fished out another plate from the kitchen while Daniel began to explain the theory behind heaping ice-cream and a sauce of preference over pancakes. Teal'c still seemed a little confused when she returned.

"I do not understand. Why do you not put all these ingredients inside the cake when it is made? It would save you the trouble of all this assembly."

Jack licked the last of the ice-cream from his fork. "It's *pan*cake Teal'c, not cake." He sat back in his chair with a satisfied air. "Because, that'd take all the fun out of eating it." Sam had also finished with her portion and had risen to get herself a cup of coffee.

"Hey, while you're at it, could you also get me a cup of coffee ... *honey*?" He added almost as an afterthought, winking at the others seated at the table. Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack's effort at trying to goad Sam while Teal'c raised one eyebrow in question. 

"Why is Colonel O'Neill calling Major Carter by an item of food?"

Daniel whispered, "I'll explain it later."

Sam returned with two mugs and a pot of freshly brewed coffee and set it down onto the table.

"Make it yourself ... *sweetheart*." Her voice dripped sarcastically although her eyes were alight.

"Thanks ... *darling*." Jack took the proffered mug and filled his with hot black steaming liquid.

"You're welcome ... *darling*." Their eyes locked and they burst out laughing, puzzling Daniel and Teal'c in the process.

The rest of the morning was spent jovially, with Daniel delivering several customary monologues concerning his latest theories about ancient civilisations, Sam and Daniel discussing points of concern over their most recent missions, with Jack and Teal'c interjecting occasionally. When the coffee had grown cold and all the dishes were neatly packed away back into Sam's kitchen cupboards, Daniel and Teal'c rose to leave.

"Anyway, I think we'd better get going. I told Catherine we'd get there around lunchtime.' Daniel and Teal'c bade their farewells and all of a sudden, Sam and Jack were left staring comfortably at each other, alone once more.

They had somehow implicitly decided that they wanted to spend their down time as far away from the SGC as possible, figuratively speaking. So they did what 'normal' couples did - saw a movie, had some ice-cream ("You're going to make me fat Jack!" - "Yeah, like that's gonna happen."), walked around in a nearby park, with the sun streaming gloriously down and a cool spring breeze at their backs, watching as other people went about their lives. Sam's heart had fluttered irrationally and committed cardiac somersaults when Jack had unthinkingly took her hand in his as he was telling her about his passion for astronomy. 

They held hands for the rest of the day.

All in all it had been a 'magical' day. A day in which, retrospectively speaking, stood out bright and golden against the grey monotony of reality, a day painted on empty canvas with the vivid stroke of life. It had been perfect, spent in discovering more about the man walking beside her. Her friend, her commanding officer ... but most importantly, the man she had come to care about. She realised that this caring for him, that had been there for a while ... it had only been the last couple of hours that she had thrown caution to the winds and embraced the sensation, and it had come flooding out, like a dam being breached. She knew that there would be tomorrow ... and the day after that ... and the day after *that* when they would have to deal more realistically with their emotions. But not now. Not today. 

Today had been transformed into a dream, there was freedom, smiles, wildflowers and discovery. Discovering and knowing more about Jack that she had ever known or suspected before. Discovering depths of emotion, feelings, natures. As they collapsed exhausted onto her bed that night, Sam thought that today could be one of the happiest days of her life.

Jack shifted in his sleep, unconsciously wrapping his arms around her before emitting a sigh of satisfaction. Sam smiled.

No, she had to change that. Today was the happiest day of her life.

(c) Copyright Vivian Ngan January 2001


	4. Reality

****

CHAPTER FOUR

SG-1 were seated in the briefing room of the Cheyenne Mountain complex the next day as General Hammond explained the details of their latest mission. Observant in nature, it had quickly become apparent to the portly General that something was not quite right within the team as they had trooped in for their briefing that morning. There had been no sarcastic quips from Colonel O'Neill, nor any thinly disguised bantering between him and Major Carter. Dr. Jackson seemed unusually anxious about something and even the normally implacable Teal'c seemed mildly disturbed. General Hammond sensed that there was something going on with SG-1 and resolved to discover what in the world it was, just as soon as the official details were taken care of. 

"Okay people. That's about all. See you at 1400 hours. Dismissed." SG-1 rose slowly from their seats and started retrieving their papers, a silent note of tension hanging in the air. Both Sam and Jack were concentrating so hard at maintaining their professional relationship that they had unwittingly lapsed into a dull silence, fearful of saying or doing too much to draw attention to themselves. Daniel was also concentrating very hard lest he should accidentally say something to incriminate his friends and Teal'c was confused as to exactly why Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter had to keep their relationship a secret. 

"Major Carter, Colonel O'Neill? I want to see both of you in my office, *now*." Sam shot a worried look over to Jack, who attempted to shrug nonchalantly but failed miserably. Sam could feel her heart starting to pound with fear. Did the General guess already? 

"Yes Sir."

Leaving behind a frowning Daniel and an equally worried Teal'c, they followed the General to his office. Sam's utmost concern now was formulating a convincing argument on why SG-1 should not be split up despite the fact that she was in direct contravention of United States Air Force regulations and having intimate relations with her commanding officer.

She shut the door behind her and came to attention in front of the General's desk beside Jack.

"At ease, Major. Please sit." Sam sat stiffly into the proffered chair and chanced a glance at Jack, who seemed equally as uncomfortable. He looked like he was actually squirming in his chair.

"Look, I've noticed this morning that something wasn't quite right with SG-1." He began.

"General Hammond Sir -" General Hammond signalled to interrupt her.

"Please Major, let me finish." Sam subsided further into her chair, wishing she could disappear off the face of the planet ... or more accurately, the universe. "Now, I don't know what's gotten you all so worked up, particularly you two, but I hope that whatever differences you have you can resolve it before you go on your next mission. I will not let my best team go into a potentially dangerous situation not having their minds a hundred and ten percent on the job, is that clear?" 

It took a moment for both Sam and Jack to absorb the fact that General Hammond hadn't guessed the truth, and hadn't even come close. Sam began to expel some of the breath that she had been unconsciously holding.

"Uh, General, we weren't - I mean, we -"

"I *think* what the Major is trying to say is we had a *minor* disagreement this morning, one that I'm sure we'll resolve before we go on the mission today." Jack gave her a pointed look.

General Hammond looked from one face to the other, and at long last seemed satisfied with their response. He dismissed them with one last word. "Oh Colonel, Major - " they swung around as he addressed them again, "SG-1 is like family to me. If you've ever got any problems, don't hesitate to talk to me about it."

"Yes Sir."

"Sure, Sir." 

They walked out of the General's office in relieved silence. Jack noticed the troubled expression that clouded Sam's face.

"Something on your mind, Carter?" he said discreetly, as two Airmen passed them in the hallway.

"Yes Sir, I think we have to talk." Jack gestured for her to follow him into his office. He took note of the deep frown still evident on her face as he closed the door quietly behind them.

Sam placed her face into her hands and let out a huge sigh. Behind her, Jack tried to lighten up the tension that was nearly visible in the atmosphere.

"Well, *that* was close."

She spun around to confront him. "Jack, that was *too* close. Did you see how quickly he noticed that something was different? It's only been a couple of hours, and he *noticed*." Sam irrationally felt that she was on the point of hysteria. Getting hauled into her superior's office had just rammed into her the significance of the consequences of their actions. They could get court martialled, or thrown out of the Stargate program, or demoted ... or all three. God. Her life, all that she had worked for, sacrificed so much for, could be wrested away from her in an instant.

What had she been thinking?

She hadn't been thinking of course. Sam had discarded the refuge of her intellect, the security found from hiding behind a veneer of military propriety when she had made that split second decision to respond to Jack's kiss. A microsecond in time when her instincts had taken over, her thoughts and rationalism shunted away into suspended animation. Except now they had been reactivated by General Hammond's attention just a few minutes ago.

She forced herself to take deep, controlled breaths as Jack looked on in concern.

The trouble now Sam realised, was that she couldn't go back and undo the last forty-eight hours as if it had never happened. Even if she could, she really didn't want to.

That was what shocked her the most. For most of her adult life, Sam had been used to relying on her intellect, her rational thought processes, her sense of responsibility and duty, as a foundation for making her decisions. Her choice in applying to the Air Force was made knowing that it was the most expedient way of achieving her life dream; her decision to forgive her father for her mother's death was made knowing the pointlessness of continuing to blame him for it; even her decision to break off her engagement to Jonas had been due to her carefully thinking things out, rationally realising that she would never be truly happy in a relationship with him.

And her scientific rationalism had served her time and time again. But now ... every synapse was screaming for her to stop, go back and undo as much of the past two days as she could. A relationship with Jack O'Neill, her Colonel, her commanding officer, would never work out. They would get found out, court martialled, barred from the Stargate ... everything she valued would be lost to her. And her father ... what would he think of her, his daughter, being stupid enough to get involved with an immediate superior? How ashamed he would be of her ... He was Tok'ra now, but there was still enough Air Force training in him to make him think badly of Jack ... 

And Jack ... what about him? He'd get court martialled too, thrown out of the SGC which would slowly tear down his renewed vigour for life ... How would she even be able to look at him then, knowing that she'd been responsible for this? Knowing that, if only she had been strong enough to end this now, she could still save what they have, preserve their careers, their friendship, before it all crumbled to dust.

Damage control.

The problem actually was that there was no conflict. No titanic struggle between her mind and her heart for control, no agony in reaching that 'right' decision. Sam was shocked because she knew that deep in the depths of her soul she had already made that decision, that choice.

Her thoughts versus her feelings. And there had been no battle - her feelings had won.

And so she would risk everything, her career, her position at the SGC ... all to be with this man standing in front of her. This tall, well-built, caring, deeply sensitive man with the heart of a soldier and the gentle hands of a lover. This man, battered by tragedy, sorrow and self-loathing, yet still had the strength and the will to live. He had revealed himself to her, had entrusted her with his hidden fragility, his vulnerability apparent in the hesitation of every gesture, every caress.

And it felt wonderful. She cared ... *so much* for this man, her Jack. The clarity of thought did not dull the searingly strong emotion that she felt for him now. Yes. She *would* risk everything for him, to be with him ... because there was nothing else she could do. 

"Sam? Sam ... look at me." Jack stepped forward worriedly at her continued silence. He came as close to her as military protocol allowed before tilting her head back gently with his hand, his only concession to the tumult of feelings whirling about inside him. What he was about to say to her, to offer her, was like someone pouring acid onto a burning wound.

He looked directly into her eyes, trying to gauge the level of her anxiety but was momentarily taken aback in surprise. Her round blue orbs showed no hint of the agony, the turmoil that he knew was in his. She was perfectly calm. None of that stoic, distant military kind of calm that he often saw her display to prove herself to superiors, but a genuine, deep seated calm that seemed to infuse her whole being. 

It made Jack swallow the bile sensation that was rising up in his throat. This was going to be harder that he'd thought. He'd rather be facing a hundred snake heads than say what he was about to say.

"I know it's a big risk ...with us. I don't ... I don't want you to lose your career over this. You've worked too damn hard ... and I won't let someone like me get in the way of that. I understand ... really." Those last words were somewhat choked. "Besides ... I'll still be your annoying CO, making bad jokes on our missions." 

Sam smiled and looked down, leaning against the desk behind her. "They're not *that* bad ... *Jack*." She looked at him expectantly but he continued to stare at his feet, as if afraid to confront the serenity in her eyes. She sighed in frustration. Sometimes this man was capable of hitting on the most ingenious solutions to complex problems, but at other times ... it pained her to admit it of one who she cared so deeply about ... but sometimes he was such a *man*. He had completely missed the subtle point that she'd been trying to make.

"Jack. Notice I'm still calling you *Jack* ... not Colonel ..." He looked up but all she could see was a puzzled expression in his eyes, intermingled with a hint of hope. He had been busy plunging himself into misery, wallowing in self-pity at the thought of returning to the role of friend and Colonel in her life. Losing her heart and his in the process.

He squinted at her and his forehead creased briefly into a frown. He had no idea what she was trying to say.

"Jack ... what I'm saying is ... I don't care about the risk. If we get caught, we get caught. I'm not going to live my life wondering what might have been." Sam took her hands off the desk and came to stand directly in front of him. "Seeing the other Sam ... how she'd lost her husband ..." her eyes flickered to his face, "it's not right to just, throw our chance away at happiness because of regulations... or protocol or whatever ..."

Jack took a few more moments to process what she was telling him, making sure he had heard her right and understood her meaning. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Are you sure? I mean ah ... I'd understand ... really." 

The only response she gave him was a smile and a nod.

"Well *this* is a surprise." He said, intonating the words flippantly. He felt so happy he could burst out of his constricting dress uniform, but all he could do was stick his hands into his pockets and giver her a high voltage smile. He still had a lot of trouble expressing himself, but this was a start. He had Sam to help him out now.

"A good one, I hope." Sam returned his smile with a bright one of her own, lighting up her eyes in the process.

"A *very* good one." His grin grew broader as he cocked his head boyishly.

"Good." Sam replied, and walked to the door. "You can buy me dinner after our mission." She arched her eyebrow flirtatiously.

"Only if you get the beer!" he countered as she shut the door behind her. Jack walked around to his desk and shuffled the papers mindlessly. Damn, he couldn't stop grinning like a school boy!

Not that he minded ... really.

***

Sam walked into the lab feeling refreshed. After her talk with Jack she had taken a shower and changed into her more comfortable fatigues. She had planned to use the remainder of the morning analysing part of the naquadah generator they got from Orban.

As she rounded the corner of her work station however she spied a rather pensive looking Daniel entering the room, flanked by Teal'c.

"Hey Sam, I've been looking for you everywhere. Where've you been?"

Sam glanced at the two, a puzzled expression on her features. "What's the emergency?"

"Ah ... a little matter of getting pulled into the General's office after the meeting this morning ..."

Sam's face cleared as she understood his concern. "Oh ... that. It was nothing." She put down the object she had been studying and looked up at them, her blue eyes twinkling. "He thought we'd been arguing - all of us were so quiet."

"Of course." Daniel's quick mind immediately comprehended the situation and he let out a sigh of relief. "You and Jack weren't flirting and I wasn't saying anything."

"Daniel! We don't *flirt*." Sam protested.

Daniel looked over at the Major, his features suggesting the opposite. "Whatever. Anyway -" giving her no chance to interject "I guess we'll just have to, act more *normal* from now on."

"Yeah ... I mean, I think we were just trying too hard this morning." Sam glanced over to the door to ensure it was still firmly closed. "I know it's unfair of us to have dragged you guys into this. I want you to know it means ... a lot to me ... and Jack. Thanks guys."

Daniel's eyes sparkled with friendship as Teal'c replied, "You are most welcome, Major Carter." She beamed at the both of them in return, her good mood of yesterday reappearing. It seemed that things were starting to settle down after the initial upheaval. She and Jack had sorted things out somewhat and reaffirmed their desire to be together, she was reassured that her fellow team mates were happy to help in keeping the secret ... hell, they'd even managed to pass the General's radar, albeit with some minor difficulty. But all things considered, this beginning wasn't that bad. Not bad at all.

(c) Vivian Ngan January 2001


	5. Commitment and Intervention

****

CHAPTER FIVE

"You're late, Daniel." Jack looked askance at the young anthropologist, who struggled with his fully loaded back pack while pressing tissue over his nose. He was out of breath after having just sprinted to the gate room in record time.

"Sorry Jack, it's my allergies. It's been playing up again lately, probably with all the gate travel we've been doing ..." 

"Yeah, yeah, I get the idea." Sam came over to help Daniel with his gear as the seventh chevron locked and the swirling mass of naquadah from the gate plunged forth.

"Okay people, let's get to work." Jack shouted into the general direction of his team behind him as base personnel scurried to get out of the embarkation room. Daniel, now pressing a different tissue to his itching nose, bravely sallied forth, accompanied by Teal'c at his side. They disappeared into the watery element.

Sam walked up to the event horizon, seized again at the wonder that was the Stargate. No matter how many missions she had already been on, or how many missions she would go on in the future, she would always be struck down and humbled by this piece of amazing technology, a legacy of a race far superior to their own. Sam, brilliant astrophysicist that she was, had no qualms admitting that she stood in awe of the technology and knowledge that had been needed to construct such an intricate gate way to the stars. Who were these beings, the Ancients, to have built then deserted such a system, a testament to their almost infinite wisdom and superiority? Sam's mind, which constantly strove to provide definitive answers for herself and for others, settled on merely being able to go through this experience time and time again; content to marvel from afar.

But it seemed that now she noticed this more than usual. Today the magic, the unknowable and infinitely complex phenomenon that was the Stargate seemed to rush at her with renewed force, just as it had struck her the first time she had been allowed to go through it.

She looked over to Jack, whose expression had quickly gone from exasperation to amusement. Perhaps it was because her life had undergone such a radical shift in the past couple of days that made her reassess and reappreciate the cornerstones of her life. 

Jack's expression quickly returned to one of exasperation, though his mouth curled into playful grin, looking for the all the world as if he was going to push her forcibly into the Stargate just as he had done when they'd first gone through the gate together. She had been in such awe and wonderment of the Stargate and what it represented that it was actually lucky that he pushed her in - she felt sure that, left to her own devices, she would probably have stood there for the entire day, her analytical mind working in hyper-drive trying to make some sense of the shimmering phenomenon presented before her now. 

Her gaze returned to her commanding officer standing beside her, his battle-lined face brightened by the enthusiasm in his hazel eyes. Was that there before, Sam wondered. This enthusiasm, energy for life, that brought a spring to his step and a soft, open smile in place of his old, bittersweet one. Had there always been that twinkle in his eye, the one that made his soul look 20 years younger? 

Sam felt a moment of weakness sweeping down her body that nearly made her knees buckle from under her. It had just hit her ... with such force that it had nearly felled her like a ton of bricks ... that this feeling between them was *real*. Not some pre-pubescent crush or adolescent infatuation, nor the first true love of youth. This feeling ... this comfortableness between them ... a feeling born out of true companionship ... it felt *wonderful*. Wonderful because it was with a real man, one who had not shied away from revealing the entirety of his feelings when it counted, one who had at last brushed aside military regulations and insecurities and a fear of rejection to become her knight in shining armour ... or in this specific case, her knight with a baseball cap that he liked to wear backwards whenever the UV readings showed that the sun wasn't likely to burn the nose off his face. 

Jack O'Neill ... and he was all hers, body and soul handed over to her for safe keeping. Was she up to it? His was a wounded soul, more breakable and fragile than hers could ever be. Was she up to the responsibility?

Jack interrupted her reverie. "Hey! Earth to Sam! Or P2C 267 to Sam in another couple of seconds, if I have to push you in ... *again*." 

"Okay okay, I'm going! Geez, you're pushier than Dad." 

"And how *is* Dad, by the way?" He gave her a cocky grin and tipped his cap back wards. Sam smiled enigmatically at his gesture and walked into the watery substance, her body fast disappearing from view.

***

"Unscheduled off-world activation! I repeat, unscheduled off-world activation! This is not a drill. All available personnel report to the embarkation room." The technical sergeant's voice rang loud and clear throughout the largely silent facility. It was around midnight, and most people on the base had already retired for the night leaving a skeleton crew on duty.

General Hammond burst into the hallway, impeccably dressed as usual. He had been in his office reviewing several mission reports when the warning had boomed through the speakers. Another high-ranking officer joined him in his purposeful march toward the control room as the flurry of activity escalated around them.

"What is it Sergeant?" The General asked calmly, his voice clear and authoritative. Although young and relatively inexperienced, the technical sergeant on duty gave his report in a concise manner.

"Uh, General, there're no SG teams due back for another 48 hours. We haven't received a transmission code yet, Sir."

General Hammond peered down into the embarkation room, where scores of battle ready airmen already stood to engage in hostile fire if necessary. 

"How many teams are currently off-world?" 

The Sergeant referred back to the computer screen. "Sir, only SG-1 and SG-3 are currently off-world. SG-1 went out approximately one day ago and SG-3 ... about 5 hours ago."

"Right." The fifth chevron activated on the Stargate below them as General Hammond frowned in consternation. "Have we received a code yet?"

The Sergeant once more looked at the monitor before him. "No Sir." 

The sixth chevron activated.

"Wait Sir - I'm getting a transmission ..." he paused as the computer took a microsecond to verify the source. "It's SG-1 Sir."

Of course it was. "Open the iris ... And get a medical team down there." Both the technical sergeant and a nearby airman nodded in compliance. 

"Yes Sir."

"Right away Sir."

As the Sergeant made the request for a medical team, General Hammond waited with bated breath, hoping against hope that once again, SG-1 would return safely. He sighed inwardly, frustrated at the oppressive safety of the mountain. He really disliked the feeling that it gave to him, to have to wait inside the SGC while he sent others off to dangerous missions. He particularly loathed the feeling since he would be unable to do anything about it if anything went wrong. As the base commander, he would have to deploy others to help those in need.

Well, most of the time. Despite the worry that now tempered his thoughts as he stood awaiting the fate of SG-1, he remembered embarking on a near-suicidal mission to Hathor's lair with only Teal'c to accompany him. Disregarding orders, hopping onto that death glider ... That had been one hell of a ride.

The General's attention was snapped back to reality as the seventh chevron activated to create the artificial wormhole below. It seemed as if time stood still as those in the control room collectively waited for signs of life to emerge from the Stargate's watery depths.

Dr. Jackson tumbled head-first onto the steel ramp and rolled unconsciously towards the waiting medical team, creating a crimson trail behind him. That was a bad sign. 

Teal'c emerged next, his normally calm exterior replaced with one of tiredness and exhaustion. He was covered with a mixture of mud, grass and blood as he literally stumbled onto the ramp and collapsed, no longer able to stand. General Hammond could not contain his worry at Teal'c's condition. Teal'c was the strongest member of the team, and for him to have been reduced to this ... 

He left the rest unsaid, even in his own mind. He hurried down the spiral staircase towards the gate itself. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter were still missing.

"Teal'c are you all right?" 

"I am ... fine General Hammond." Teal'c stated, his reply tainted with uncharacteristic breathlessness. The tall jaffa's eyes darted around the room, taking in the confusion, the rush of medical personnel, and the still form of his friend Daniel below him.

"Teal'c ... Where are Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter?" 

He did not have a chance to reply. Just as the words were out of his mouth, Colonel O'Neill appeared before the event horizon, literally bursting forth with the limp form of his comrade, Major Carter, drawing air into his lungs as if he'd been underwater. The Colonel's face was contorted with a disturbing mixture of anxiety, relief and well-known pain. Somewhere along the way his cap must have flown off, revealing hair that was matted with mud and dust. A blow was evident from the large area of dried blood on his forehead, a deep, crusty hue that was strikingly juxtaposed with the paleness of his face.

He did not speak - he had no energy to. But everyone standing in the room with him got the message that he was trying to convey ... help Sam. 

The General's eyes travelled as everyone else's did. First, to the over-exhausted Colonel who was veering unsteadily on his feet. Him looking around, his eyes speaking volumes of unstated relief at finding himself back at the SGC. Then stumbling to his knees, dragging a comatose Major Carter behind him, just as the Stargate disengaged behind her. He maintained his death-like grip on her arm even as he succumbed to his exhaustion and collapsed face down onto the hard steel of the ramp below.

The Colonel's grip was so tight that it took two nearby airman to pry his fingers off the Major. Dr. Fraiser, who had been paged off-base, scooted over to the Major's prone body and took in the scene before her in a glance. 

General Hammond felt ill as he watched helplessly. While SG-1 had faced many times before, there had never been so much *blood*. It'd always seemed that SG-1 were immortal, because they never bled. They've died, they've disappeared, hell they've even gone crazy, but ... they've never bled. Now ... they're bleeding, and there's so much blood ... and suddenly they were mortal again. 

His military professionalism quickly reasserted itself. "All right. Get them to the infirmary. Dr. Fraiser, report their conditions to me after you've treated them all, and Teal'c -" the General looked over at Teal'c, anticipating his protests, "that includes you." 

He watched as the last of the medical team carted the limp form of Colonel O'Neill on a stretcher, Major Carter and Dr. Jackson having already been transferred. Giving one last worried look to Teal'c, he slowly climbed the stairs to the control room.

He straightened his shoulders upon reaching the door to his office. Someone had to tell the President.

(c) Copyright Vivian Ngan January 2001


	6. A World Without Sam

**

> CHAPTER SIX

**

> "Doctor, do you want to tell me what's wrong with them?" General Hammond closed the report he had been writing and gave his undivided attention to the diminutive doctor standing opposite him. Dr. Janet Fraiser was the Chief Medical Officer at the SGC and was one of the most competent officers General Hammond had ever known. Although small in stature, Dr. Fraiser left no one in doubt of her superior medical capabilities and fiery temperament. It was this reason that the General had slowly come to think of her as one of the most trustworthy officers on the base, having no qualms objecting to his orders if she saw it was in the best interests of her patients.

> "Well it's not actually as bad as we thought. Dr. Jackson suffered a blow to the head and is suffering from concussion, but he should recover quickly. Teal'c was suffering from shock so I had to put him under a sedative - he should be okay after a night's rest. Colonel O'Neill is out cold due to extreme exhaustion and has a deep cut on his forehead, but it was relatively minor. A couple of days in the infirmary with the right hospital food, he should recover quickly." She gave him a quick smile. "So, with the exception of Major Carter, the rest of the team should be able to go home in couple of days or so." 

> "What about Major Carter?" 

> "Well, Sir - Major Carter appears to have suffered the most serious injuries. There was a break on her right fibula, but fortunately it was quite a clean break so with luck, it'll set properly. She also had deep gashes on her arms and legs that we had to put stitches on, but frankly ..." Her eyes reflected intense concern as she looked at the General. "Teal'c told me she suffered a major blow to the head about 8 hours ago and she hasn't regained consciousness. I'm worried General. It's not a good sign that she hasn't regained consciousness for so long. The blow might have done more damage to her than her other injuries."

> The General's fatherly faced looked on in concern. "How serious is it?"

> "Well, I'm going to keep her in the infirmary and monitor her progress. Hopefully she'll regain consciousness in the next 24 hours, but if not ... complications could arise."

> General Hammond captured her ominous meaning. "Well, we'll just have to wait and see then. Thank you Doctor." 

> Dr. Fraiser nodded in acknowledgment as she headed out of his office. "I'll be in the infirmary if you need me General." 

> General Hammond fixed his gaze on a puncture in the wall of his office and sighed as the footsteps of the doctor slowly faded away. 

> ***

> "Sam? ..." Jack slowly opened his eyes to the tune of bleeping monitors around him. Every sinew of his body screamed in pain as he tried to shift to a more comfortable position of the bed. He was only painfully aware that he had managed to land himself back at the infirmary again, a place he frequented nearly as much as the mess hall itself. But this time ... his entire team was there with him.

> "Sam?" He said more lucidly, panic rising with every second as the last moments of the mission came flooding back to him. Grass ... mud ... trees ... *blood* ... lungs screaming for air but never getting enough ... carrying ... dragging ... *Sam*.

> The Colonel sat bolt upright, ignoring the myriad of equipment hooked to him and the insane sensation of pain coursing up and down his body. The effort made him breathless; he gasped for air against his will yet did not care. He had to find out whether ... 

> "Please Colonel, you've got to keep still." A young medical technician placed a firm hand on him, restraining him from yanking out the assortment of tubes attached to his body. The Colonel made the worst kind of patient - someone who was used to being in charge did not take well to following orders, especially from a younger man. 

> "I want to know what happened to my team." Jack insisted roughly, grasping the arm of the technician as strongly as he could. "Please."

> The young man nodded in acquiescence. "I'll call Dr. Fraiser, let her know you've come to." 

> Jack leaned back onto his bed, the dull thudding of his head increasing as he sagged onto the pillows. Sam. Please god, please let her be okay.

> ***

> "Colonel O'Neill." The matter-of-fact Dr. Fraiser breezed into the infirmary at her usual break neck pace, grabbing the chart off the end of the bed and glancing at it in one swift motion before the battle-hardened soldier could even lift his head off the pillow. During the short interval that Jack had spent waiting for news of Sam, he had unfortunately dozed off. Now he struggled to clear the last vestiges of sleep in order to find out what happened to his team - and Sam.

> "Glad you see you're feeling better. Alan told me you were quite insistent." The doctor gave the Colonel a hint of a smile before sending the aforementioned young technician away. She could sense that the Colonel was impatient to ask her about the welfare of his team.

> "Doc ... Where's Sam? ... Daniel and Teal'c?" If the experienced doctor noticed his tell-tale slip of using Sam's first name she didn't let on. Instead, she stepped closer to the bed, her intelligent brown eyes fixed intently on his hazel ones.

> "Well, I can tell you Teal'c's fine. He was in shock, but I gave him a sedative for it and he's okay. As for Daniel ... well, you know our boy. Easy to hurt but damn hard to kill." She smiled wryly at Jack in a vain attempt to alleviate his transparent concern. "He's okay - just a blow to the head and minor concussion. Should be out in a day or two." 

> "And Sam?" Jack asked with a sense of dread. His time spent in covert ops had honed his instincts to near perfection - he used his instincts as other people used their minds. "What is it?" 

> Dr. Fraiser took an involuntary breath before breaking the news to him. "She's still unconscious. She ... slipped into a coma about 18 hours ago."

> Jack felt his heart swirl then sink into a dark pool of despair. It was all he could do to squeeze out, "How bad is it?"

> The concerned doctor weighed her words carefully, unwilling to give the Colonel any false hope for Sam's recovery yet unwilling to strip him of any such hope. She had a faint sense of the bond between the Colonel and his second in command - that they were friends and comrades in arms was certain, but ... there was something else. Always present in their exchanges ... a look here, a word there. Just something ... else, more than the bonds forged out of battle. Deeper emotions. A connection.

> And she did not want to be the one to break it.

> "Colonel, I'm not going to lie to you. It's ... not good. By Teal'c's account, she's already lost a lot of blood from her initial injuries. There were internal injuries which we did our best to repair. Her broke bone's been set ... There's nothing more we can do but wait."

> Jack unsuccessfully choked back his over-filling emotion as he whispered, "What're her chances Doc?"

> The petite doctor gave it to him, point blank. "The longer she stays in the coma, the less likely it is that she'll wake up. I'm sorry Colonel." 

> Jack tried to digest the information as the compassionate doctor looked on. Being in her profession had hardened her façade of detachment from the plight of the injured and their families. But it was especially difficult now, seeing the usually hard, fearless mask of the Colonel slowly crumble before her eyes, revealing a desperation she was unfortunately familiar with. Desperation to believe that a loved one will recover, despite the odds presented by cool-faced doctors and their clipboards. 

> Dr. Fraiser shifted from her standing position beside the bed and replaced his chart. "I'll have a wheelchair brought in so you can visit her. Teal'c's with her now." She gave him a soft, empathetic smile as she left to check on her other patients, leaving Jack to stare uncomprehendingly at empty space in front of him. 

> A world without Sam? 

> Never.

> ***

> "Colonel O'Neill. It is good to see you awake." Teal'c's barotone greeted his entrance into the makeshift ICU, privacy provided with a generous hanging of plastic curtains. Besides a scratch or two on his limbs and a tired expression on his features, Teal'c looked as fit as a fiddle. 

> Well, he looked fit compared to Sam, who lay pale-faced on the bed in front of him. Jack could not help but notice the changes in her. He realised with horror that her skin seemed paler than the white starched sheets she lay on, and that her vibrant, intelligent blue eyes did not, for once, greet him with a twinkle and a smile. She looked lifeless, devoid of the spirit and the character that normally infused her perfect body. 

> Jack wept inwardly at the sight of her.

> "Yeah, you too." He whispered abstractly, his entire attention focused on the pale comatose form in front of him. The gentle Jaffa understood and stood up, offering the chair that he had been sitting on to the Colonel. Jack silently thanked him as he looked up into the dark, compassionate eyes of his team mate, still unable to tear his eyes away from Sam. 

> His Sam. Lying so limp and lifeless in a cold underground room, surrounded by four concrete walls, as grey as they were bleak. This was so wrong - Sam, who was so full of life, her enthusiasm for it spilling out into everything she did, from her dedication to scientific mumbo-jumbo to simply being there for her friends when they had needed her ... when *he* had needed her ... 

> He suddenly realised that he had always thought she was at her most beautiful surrounded by the wild beauty which her presence inspired. Not couped up in some dark underground facility or dank prison like a caged bird; Sam's strength and spirit pervaded from her like warmth from a sun's rays. She belonged outdoors, amongst lush forests, fields with flowers that ran wild in summer, a gurgling brook and a sky of iridescent blue. And damn it, he *wanted* to be there with her ... 

> Hearing her laugh ... Seeing her smile ... fancying that she had a special smile, reserved just for him. Whenever he cracked one of his lame jokes on missions. Whenever he sang horrendously out of tune. Whenever he lost to her in their regular poker games. 

> Jack realised with twisted self-loathing that he'd been a fool. A fool to have been blinded by a haze of his own construction, too occupied with pushing away the world for fear of rejection, fear of loss ... fear of getting hurt, when she had been there all along, being the best friend and second in command a guy could ever have. God, he hadn't even realised how much he was in love with her when Jolinar had taken over her body ... and for that split second when Dr. Fraiser had pronounced her dead ... He had wanted to cry then, and he hadn't even known why. Just felt numb with sorrow, a suspension of belief to even contemplate that Samantha Carter could die, and no longer be part of his life. And of course he had been able to reason with himself afterwards that it was natural for him to develop close bonds with her, seeing as they'd faced death together so many times before. 

> It had taken an alternate reality version of Sam to make him realise he loved her, and had loved her for a long time. For crying out loud ... the moment he kissed her, he knew she wasn't the one. He had wanted to find out what it was like to kiss his blonde Major for a while; and kissing her alternate was the closest thing that he was ever going to get. But ... as soon as their lips met, he *knew*. He knew that it wasn't that Carter he had to kiss, but *his* Carter ... the Sam that he had shared so much with. Dying in some god forsaken ice crevasse, he had called out for Sara, but instead received something much more pleasant and infinitely more comforting - Sam, whispering with emotion 'I'm here Jack.' ... Sam, dying on the bed, Jolinar already dead inside her ... Him pinned to the wall of the gate room by an alien crystal, Sam choking back tears as she told him that she was going to kill him to get him out of it ... hang on Colonel ... Him, trapped on Hathor's base, a gao'ould inside him, and she had come back for him ... 

> A dozen things, a dozen signs, and he had never figured it out. 

> Yeah, he thought bitterly to himself. You're one hell of a smart guy, Jack. 

> And so he sat, oblivious to everything and everyone around him, while his mind whirled and churned with desperate thoughts, staring at the single most important thing in this life. And for the first time in a long time, he wanted to pray - whether to god or not he couldn't tell.

> He just needed to believe that she would get better. 

> ***

> "Jack." An insistent yet gentle voice interrupted his waking slumber as he rubbed his bleary eyes.

> "You're up." He said to Daniel, who still tottered somewhat despite the rest he had gotten. It had been 20 hours since Jack had been wheeled into Sam's makeshift ICU, and almost 18 hours had lapsed since he'd threatened physical violence to anyone who attempted to drag him away from her. Daniel and Teal'c had passed through unmercilessly, at first to be with Sam, and then more and more to persuade the obstinate Colonel to get some rest. But Jack wouldn't listen ... he didn't care to listen. He had been less than civil to even General Hammond, who came by every couple of hours or so to check on the Major. The combination of prolonged stress and lack of sleep had made him revert to an almost customary defensive hostility, aggressiveness radiating from him like a caged bear. 

> "Yeah, ah ... Jack ..." Daniel hesitated, his eyebrows furrowing in consternation. "Ah ... General Hammond wants us to debrief in half an hour ... He ordered you to be present, since, well ..."

> "Yeah ... " Jack whispered reluctantly, rationality colouring his words for the first time that day. "I'll be there." 

> Daniel stood behind him, unsure of what to do next. Jack had gone back to his languorous state, almost mirroring the comatose state of Sam lying in front of them. He felt helpless ... powerless to do anything, yet ... 

> Better than anyone else around him, Daniel knew the torment of losing a loved one. Oscillating like a crazed pendulum, swinging alternately between the highest of hopes and the depths of despair. Replaying memories, lost chances ... regretting words that had been said in anger, times when you'd hurt them unknowingly ... 

> Daniel was also worried about Jack from another perspective. He'd seen what the Colonel was like after his son had died and they had gone on the first mission to Abydos together. Crazed and suicidal would have been an apt description for a man who was willing to go on a Kamikaze mission through an unknown piece of technology to an unchartered section of space. He still bore the scars from that loss, and if he were to lose Sam now ... 

> The young anthropologist's gaze shifted to the golden-haired form in front of him. Except for the bleeping of the monitors beside the bed and the obvious lack of warmth in her complexion, Sam looked for all the world as peaceful as she had ever looked. On missions her face was always tense, even when sleeping - Daniel had always surmised that it was because she was such a good soldier, always in readiness to defend if attacked. Admirable since Daniel was usually a person who was dead to the world as soon as he hit the pillow ... or log ... or whatever happened to be available at the time. She was always side by side with the Colonel; they were always around each other, like they were marching to the same tune, same beat to some inner drummer ...

> Daniel realised that life would never be the same if Sam ... He had already lost Sha're three years ago ... Sam was his best friend, his confidante ... all the family he had in the world ... actually, in all the worlds in the galaxy... He would be lost without her.

> He sighed and turned to retreat noiselessly out of the room with a heavy heart born from the realisation that Jack was already lost without her.

* * *

> (c) Vivian Ngan January 2001


	7. Lost

**

> CHAPTER SEVEN

**

> "Where's Colonel O'Neill?" The portly General glanced once around the large mahogany table that all of a sudden seemed strangely empty. Dr. Jackson and Teal'c had seated themselves in their usual spots, unconsciously reserving the two seats opposite for their team mates. Dr. Fraiser, who had just breezed in a moment ago, quickly adjusted her notes in front of her and looked around at the faces in the room. It seemed strange that Sam's bright, intelligent face wasn't present. 

> It had become blatantly obvious to the shrewd and intelligent General that something was very wrong for Colonel O'Neill to have been exhibiting this type of behaviour. Special ops trained for stealth and control, he would have been the last person on the base the General would have expected to break down from the loss of a team mate. 

> Of course, he knew full well why the Colonel was cracking under the pressure. If it had been any other member of SG-1 lying comatose in that infirmary bed right now, Colonel O'Neill would be in full control. He'd be sad, worried and anxious, but ... he was usually the type of person who didn't allow his emotions to be plainly read for all to see. That was one of the reasons why the General considered him one of the best people to have in a crisis. There were no ifs or buts with the Colonel - it was his instinct translated into action in the space of a heart beat.

> General Hammond sighed inwardly. It wasn't as if he didn't know about the feelings Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter had for each other. To him, it was plainer than the nose on a person's face. The more they tried to hide it, the more obvious it got. He had made the decision a long time ago to just let it go - as long as their mutual attraction did not interfere with their duties as leader and second-in-command, General Hammond was willing to cut them some slack for putting their lives on the line day after day. After all that SG-1 had been through, the General thought that was the *least* he could do. 

> He sighed audibly this time as the clock on the dull grey wall ticked away, marking every second that the usually punctual Colonel was late. What in the world was Jack doing?

> Finally, to the collective relief of all present, Colonel O'Neill stomped into the conference room looking better than he had when Daniel had last seen him. His greying hair was damp from a shower and his hazel eyes seemed more focused. A little of the usually stalwart Colonel was evident in the way he sat at the table, shoulders barely sagging under the weight of worry. 

> "Sorry about that General."

> "That's quite okay, Jack. Glad you could join us." The General said fatherly. General Hammond had ordered the Colonel to attend the debriefing only out of necessity. He had to find out exactly what happened on P2C 267 in order to brief the President on the situation. The loss, hopefully temporary, of the SGC's foremost expert on Stargate technology posed concerns for the continuation and well-being of the program. 

> "Now people ... I realise this is going to be hard." He glanced around the room, noting with some relief that Colonel O'Neill seemed much more sedate. The combination of some food and a hot shower must have brought some well needed relaxation to his battered body, if not for his mind. "I need to know what happened. Please ... take your time. I'm not going anywhere."

> Daniel glanced at Jack, who appeared to have lapsed into another languorous state. He made no outward sign of having even *heard* the General, much less plan on answering him. Dr. Fraiser looked towards him, sensing the anthropologist's concern. Intense blue eyes met questing brown ones, as an almost oppressive silence descended in the conference room.

> Teal'c looked steadily at Daniel, his expression curious. He was wondering how Daniel would handle Colonel O'Neill's apparent lack of response.

> "Ah ... we went through to P2C 267," again he glanced at Jack, almost willing him to talk. "We saw immediately why the UAV stopped transmitting almost the instant it went through the gate. We assumed that it hit a tree or something, but actually, ah ..."

> "Staff weapon fire." Teal'c jumped in at the appropriate moment, helping his friend in the difficult recounting. Daniel silently thanked him in return.

> "Goa'ulds?" General Hammond asked, although he correctly deduced that there was no other satisfactory answer.

> "Yes. It turns out that they had just taken control of the planet and were in the process of gaining control over the Stargate, as they usually do when they want to control a planet ..."

> "To control it's traffic." The portly General again deduced.

> "Right. Only we must've interrupted their preparations because when we got there, it was pretty much surrounded by jaffas ..."

> "Serpent guards?" This time, the General seemed kerflummoxed. 

> "Horus guards - " Teal'c asserted, his baritone descending in contempt.

> "Heru'ur." Daniel stated matter-of-factly. "We just *happened* in on one of his new conquests, so needless to say we were pretty much in trouble ..."

> Daniel's voice drifted off within the dim vaults of his mind as Jack felt himself caught up with the memory, all too real to him in its consequences. He didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about what happened, the steps that led to Sam ... He didn't want to second guess himself, that 'if only' he had done things a little different maybe Sam wouldn't be in this situation right now, lying on that bed in the infirmary fighting the hell for her life. Half a life time fighting in battle zones, pain and desperation moulding him into the man ... the soldier he was today. And for what? It hadn't equipped him with anything useful, hadn't helped him when he had needed it most. Hadn't helped him to get his team out of trouble. Hadn't helped because Sam was in a coma ... 

> Jack knew SG-1 were in a ton of trouble as soon as he stepped through the gate. Instead of unmolested wilderness like the second-long transmission that the UAV showed, he found several staff weapons shoved in front of his face attached to stern looking, disciplined Horus guards that Jack knew meant business. It was slight comfort to the seasoned Colonel that they hadn't actually fired on him, but one look towards his team drained him even of *that* comfort. Teal'c lay on the ground unconscious, presumably from a zat gun blast, but otherwise untouched. Sam and Daniel had similar staff weapons pointed directly at them, and it was apparent that Sam had put up a struggle before she had allowed them to disarm her, evidenced by the beginnings of an angry purple bruise on her forehead. Jack felt his heart stop for a split second as he contemplated the danger she had been in but she looked back at him steadily, her crystal blue eyes radiating a deceptive calmness as if to reassure him that she was okay. It helped, because he could actually *hear* his heart resume beating almost immediately ...

> "Drop your weapons, or we will kill this Sholvar here." A harsh voiced interrupted his thoughts. He took a comprehensive look around to appraise their situation and felt his heart sink to his stomach. Horus guards were lined along the trees, populating the surrounding environment like an inexorable metallic forest. To attempt resistance in this situation was foolhardy, even for him. Jack sighed inwardly, berating himself for having gotten up that morning. He *hated* it when this happened. 

> "Yeah okay ... I *should* do that." The Colonel said, almost as much to himself as to his captor. Handing over his weapon was like getting stripped naked, except ... worse. Worse because he had no means to defend himself or his team properly. Worse because they were trapped in the midst of a gao'uld stronghold - with a whole battalion of jaffas making sure they didn't get 'lost'. He absent mindedly ran through all the times that they'd been captured - Ra, Apophis, Hathor ... hell, where did it end?

> Why had he treated the threat so flippantly? With so much self-assurance, so much confidence? Dammit Jack, you were too complacent and it cost you ... it cost you *Sam*.

> Jack's attention was snapped back to the present reality as he found four sets of concerned eyes looking directly at him. 

> "What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening." His weak attempt at apology went by without comment. It seemed that everyone present in the room was not unaware of the Colonel's uncharacteristic reserve, and even General Hammond moved to make allowances for his best soldier on base. The General understood the trauma associated with losing a team member ... he himself had experienced it a couple of times which made him ready to sympathise with others in a similar situation. 

> "That's all right Colonel. I just asked for your assessment of how many jaffas you thought were stationed around the Stargate." He paused to let the question sink. "Daniel and Teal'c thought there were around fifty, sixty at most." 

> Jack vainly attempted to reel his mind in and concentrate on the question at hand. His mind was excessively sluggish, a curious combination of tension brought on by worry and drowsiness brought on by the hot shower he'd had just before the debriefing. What had the General asked again? 

> "Ah ... I'd say there were around ... sixty altogether. Fifty stationed around the Stargate on guard, around 10 actually setting up." He sounded surprisingly coherent to his own ears. Wow. Had that really been him?

> "Right." The General seemed to visibly relax at Colonel O'Neill's accurate assessment.

> Jack stared down at the solid mahogany table again, vaguely aware his reverie had been disturbed. What had he been thinking about? Something about P2C 267. 

> Sam is in a coma, dammit. 

> No, not that. Don't go there. He was thinking about ... 

> P2C 267. P2C 267. Something ... about getting caught ...

> *Sam is in a coma*. 

> The Colonel abruptly stood up, making his chair fly backwards towards the back wall and disrupting Daniel's painful remembrance of the mission. Daniel and Dr. Fraiser stared at the harassed looking Colonel, nothing but concern apparent on their faces. Teal'c ever the observer, crooked a worried brow in Jack's direction while General Hammond protested somewhat gently,

> "Colonel? Is anything the matter?"

> "What?" Jack started. He stared at the room in confusion, sitting himself back into his chair. "Sorry Sir ... I just ..."

> "It's all right Colonel." General Hammond paused, his silence telling in the arrested stillness of the room. He turned back towards Daniel. "Go on son."

> "Yeah." Daniel gave Jack another worried, surreptitious glance before continuing with his debriefing. "They led us back towards their base ... It was more of a camp really ..." Daniel looked over at Jack again, as if to jolt him into helping him recount their tale. 

> "Anyway ... they took our weapons and locked us in some sort of holding room ... Ah ... I guess it was then that Jack suggested that we try for a chance to break out and get back to the Stargate."

> Teal'c backed Daniel up in his recounting. "Colonel O'Neill voiced his opinion that it was our best chance of escape. He deduced that once Heru'ur was notified of our capture, he would take all steps to ensure our continued imprisonment. Hence the best opportunity of making our escape would have been before Heru'ur was notified of our capture, and we all concurred." 

> Jack was still staring off into space, although he was actually listening now. He forced himself to concentrate on the debriefing, otherwise General Hammond would court martial his butt. One outburst was bad enough for the second-in-command of the entire base, two would not be tolerated.

> "Right." Daniel gave Jack yet another look, but the Colonel kept his gaze resolutely fastened onto the table. "We waited until night fall ... Ah ... when the guards were being changed. Um, then we, ah, attacked." He paused helplessly to look around the table. Describing military tactics and manoeuvres were quite beyond him and at normal debriefings, Daniel would be the last person to have to outline them. But with Jack refusing to say anything, Teal'c being even quieter than usual and Sam ... well, with Sam not being there, the responsibility sat very uncomfortably on his shoulders.

> The General seemed to sense the archaeologist's discomfort. "Colonel O'Neill, would you care to elaborate on what exactly happened?"

> Jack frowned, and appeared to make an immense effort to meet General Hammond's gaze. 

> He rubbed his hand over his face, a weary, tired expression sweeping across his haggard features. "We waited until the guards had been changed. Teal'c's idea, something about religious meal times or something."

> "Each jaffa is extremely disciplined. Their routine is to be followed strictly, since this promotes obedience and discipline." Teal'c interjected.

> "Yeah that. Anyway we got Daniel to say a few words, lure them in. Teal'c and I were hiding near the doors. Once they came in we disabled them, took their weapons. We got ourselves out of that hole ..." Jack paused painfully, and Daniel could almost sense his own pain at the memory radiating from him. That was just before ... before Sam getting hurt.

> He saw Jack sigh resolutely and pushed himself on. "We'd almost gotten out of the compound until we were spotted. We had no choice - we just ran for it." He swallowed slowly. "The terrain was mostly forest anyway ... we ran for the nearest one ... in the general direction of the Stargate ..."

> Daniel closed his eyes, unable to keep the events from replaying themselves in his mind. After they had been spotted it had been useless to try to remain hidden. Jack had yelled, "Everybody to the trees ... *now*!!" and there had been no turning back from Daniel. 

> It was a fairly mad dash towards the forest. To his untrained eye the distance hadn't seemed all that great, but with every gasping breath the nearest cluster of trees seemed to be getting further and further away. In the distance he could hear the rumbling caused from staff weapon blasts as it connected with the soft, mushy ground, and the aggressive shouts emanating from the Horus guards, getting closer and closer. He ran and ran and ran, yet the trees didn't seem to be getting any closer. Daniel was faintly aware of Jack and Sam in the distance, the darkness descending upon them obscuring their figures and silhouetting them against the dark expanse of the forest. Teal'c was running just behind him - he sensed, rather than saw, that the jaffa was returning fire sporadically. 

> They were almost to the trees, and then ...

> And then it happened. Almost as if in slow, agonising motion he saw a blast headed straight for Sam. He opened his mouth to warn her but even in that instant that Daniel took to register the threat Jack was there, shoving her to the ground and returning mad, desperate fire. But the blast hit the first of the trees bordering the forest, sending the tree toppling - and straight onto Sam.

> "No!" That was all Daniel heard coming from his own mouth as he mustered his remaining strength and sprinted toward his fallen friend. At his cry Jack had turned around; he emitted no sound as he absorbed the sight of Sam nearly obscured under the pile of leaves and debris, lying still and unmoving. 

> And then all three of them were there, Jack first, trying maniacally to pull off all the debris single-handedly. Teal'c arriving at a full sprint, bending down to pull off layers and layers of splintered branches to uncover Sam's prone body. And Daniel ... he couldn't explain it, but he had instinctively known to take Jack's abandoned MP5 and fire off round after round, heedless of his own safety, the only thought reverberating around his mind was that maybe, he could give Jack and Teal'c enough time to get Sam to safety ...

> "Danny we've got her - move out!" In mindless obedience he turned and ran into the depths of the forest. He didn't know how they were going to survive in there ... the trees just meant that they had more places to hide ... but there was no way the three of them could hold off a whole camp-full of Horus guards.

> Daniel didn't know how long they ran - but suddenly, amazingly, all was quiet. As his astonished mind wondered how that could possibly be true, Jack suddenly slowed his break neck pace and rolled to a stop. Teal'c, his burden made heavier with the addition of Sam, slowed along with him.

> The three of them stood in the eerie stillness of the forest.

> "Maybe we lost them?" Daniel asked, unthinkingly. He didn't really care ... as long as they weren't there.

> "Yeah." Jack replied shortly, breathing in short, sharp rasps. Tiredness and fatigue racked Daniel's body, making him half-stagger on the spot as he tried in vain to listen as Jack considered tactical possibilities. "We've got to get ourselves back near that gate ... by tonight. Dark's going to help us ... We need to keep moving, make sure we're not spotted." His eyes fell on Sam, unconscious and her head displaying an alarming gash. "No matter how long it takes us, right?"

> Daniel had nodded grimly, but inwardly he had trembled. He really hadn't thought they were going to make it out of there.

> But they had - just. His attention wandered back to the present, with Jack continuing his tale.

> " ... just kept walking. Don't know how long. We got back to the gate ... Made it seem like we were going to hide out in the forest for a while before trying to get to the gate ... the forest was close enough to mount a surprise attack on the guards around the gate. We did just enough to get through ... *just*." Jack almost muttered the last few words out as he seemed to get lost in his own thoughts once more. 

* * *

> (c) Vivian Ngan January 2001


	8. Unravelling

**

> CHAPTER EIGHT

**

> General Hammond sighed, wishing there was some other conclusion to the tale. "So that explains why you all came toppling through the gate." 

> "And Major Carter's injuries." It was the first time Dr. Fraiser had spoken during the debriefing, and Daniel almost looked up in surprise at her presence. "The force of the falling debris must have been quite a lot, judging by the contusion on Major Carter's head."

> "What's the prognosis?" The General swivelled around slightly to face the doctor. 

> "I won't lie to you General, it's not the best I could hope for. It's been twenty-four hours and ... the earlier you wake up from a coma, the better the chances are for full recovery. I ... I just don't know Sir. The best I can give you is that it's all up to Major Carter now." Dr. Fraiser's voice remained neutral as the rest of the room absorbed her opinion. It definitely wasn't the best moment of her life.

> The General stood up. "Okay people, I'd say that just about does it for today. It's been a rough day, and I want you all to go on stand-down, and get some rest." He glanced momentarily at Jack, "And that includes you Colonel O'Neill. However ... " his voice softened as he shot a sympathetic look across the room, "I understand the stakes you people have here with Major Carter in a coma, so ... just take it easy, okay?"

> Daniel and Teal'c nodded slightly in acknowledgment, while Jack remained stone still. General Hammond appeared to not notice. 

> "Right. Dismissed." As Jack stood up he heard the General mutter softly to him, "Can I see you for a minute Jack?"

> Jack would much rather have raced back to Sam's bedside after the debriefing, but General Hammond had voiced his request in such a tone that suggested that he wouldn't take no for an answer. He acquiesced, and followed the portly General back to his office. 

> "Close the door, Jack." Under normal circumstances, Colonel O'Neill would have been a bit apprehensive at the General's serious tone, but juxtaposed next to the prospect that Sam may never wake up, he found that he wasn't concerned about whatever the General wanted to talk to him about. 

> The General looked across his imposing mahogany table to the younger man, giving him a faint, sympathetic glance. 

> "Jack ... I know you're worried about Major Carter, we all are." He paused, not quite knowing how to phrase what he had to say. "But I've noticed these past few days that your behaviour has suggested that ... well, that your relationship with Major Carter isn't ... as platonic as the regulations would allow."

> It took a moment for the significance of the General's statement to register with Jack, and then he exploded. He couldn't help it - all the pent up frustration at Sam's injury, the sense and the guilt that he hadn't been doing his job properly in protecting her, that it wasn't fair that she was the one lying there - it all poured out of him in that one, irrational instant. 

> "Carter is in a coma! A *coma* dammit, and you ask me to come here to talk about regulations?! Don't you get it - I don't care what happens to me or my career! If Sam never wakes up my life is over anyway, don't you get it? My life would be *over* ..." Suddenly the tide of irrational anger ebbed away almost as quickly as it erupted, and Jack was left with no energy to fight. 

> General Hammond was right - the past few days he *had* displayed a heightened emotion towards Sam, he couldn't help it. He just couldn't care about protecting his career, or her career, any more ... especially not in the face of the fact that she could never wake up again. It was the first time in a long time that the suave, confident Colonel Jack O'Neill had lost control entirely over his emotions, but the strange thing was, he didn't seem to care. There was only one thing he truly, truly cared about now - and that was Sam. 

> He had all but admitted to the General that he and Sam's relationship had crossed that boundary, the boundary over which Air Force regulations did not allow, but the General's expression was not one of shocked incomprehension as Jack half-expected it would be. It was one of comfortable resignation. 

> The General seemed to brush aside Jack's momentary insubordination as he sighed. "Jack, do y'all think I'm stone deaf? Or blind? I ..." he seemed embarrassed by the admission, "I've long observed that you and Major Carter were never going to be just friends. You don't get to be General by not observing what your subordinates are up to ..." Jack was surprised at that. He thought that while patient and forgiving, General Hammond was an officer who played by the book, and would not have taken contravention of military regulations quite as easily as what he was demonstrating now. 

> He coughed. "You and Major Carter are adults, and it is absolutely none of my business what you do on stand down ..." He hesitated. "I've seen during the past few years that it hasn't really affected the workings of the team ... As far as I'm concerned SG-1 is still the finest team we have here on base."

> General Hammond's unabashed praise touched Jack's heart completely. "Thank you Sir. I ... I don't know what to say."

> "Well ..." General Hammond cleared his throat again. "The point is, the past few days you've shown very clearly that ..." he sighed again, testament to how truly difficult this talk was. "Some of the Appropriations Committee's representatives happened to be doing a routine tour of the facilities yesterday, and even with Major Davis working for us at the Pentagon ..." The General's voice trailed off as the full impact of what he said hit Jack. 

> The Appropriations Committee ... It immediately reminded Jack of Senator Kinsey, and how he absolutely detested the secrecy of the Stargate Program. So much so that as soon as he heard about Jack's behaviour the past couple of days he was bound to cause trouble for him, for Sam, and for the SGC. Jack sighed as he buried his face in his hands. On top of Sam's condition, he also had to worry about his career, and more importantly ... Sam's career. What had he done?

> General Hammond clearly followed Jack's train of thought as Jack dejectedly said, "What can I do?"

> "Jack ... I don't think there's anything else you can do besides resign. Retire. I'll back date it a couple of days ..." 

> Jack's face almost blanched. "Retire?" He said blankly, not really comprehending the suggestion. Retire from the SGC? Retire from the life he had managed to create for himself here, at the base? Retire from commanding SG-1, and going on missions? He was no spring chicken, and he knew that one day in the not-too-distant future he would have to retire, but ... surely it was too early for him to do so? Sure, there were aspects he didn't like - the trees they always seemed to encounter for one thing, but then ... There were other aspects that he really *did* like ... Daniel's incessant buzzing about rocks and other ... stuff ... Sam's unquenchable enthusiasm for all things scientific ... Hell he even liked Teal'c's constantly monotonous expression ... Himself getting things wrong all the time and having to be corrected by Sam or Daniel ... 

> "I'm sorry Jack, I can't think of any other way." The General's kindly voice interrupted his thoughts. "I'll give you a few hours to think about it ... After that it'll be too late."

> "Yes ... Sir, I ... appreciate what you're trying to do for me. I'll get back to you on that." Jack slowly stood up and headed for the door, the possibility of retirement that having really sunk in as yet. 

> General Hammond watched Jack's retreating figure with regret. It was a sad day for the SGC to have Colonel Jack O'Neill retiring, all because of one useless regulation. If only there was another way. If only.

> ***

> Daniel twisted his neck back and forth, trying to loosen up already knotted neck muscles as he stared blankly at the computer monitor. For the last two hours he had been trying to take his mind off SG-1's last mission, but the details kept on coming back to him, becoming more vivid with each passing moment. It was getting unbearable. Somehow, it seemed so much worse that Sam was in a coma, instead of being captured by a Gao'uld or other enemy. This was something they couldn't fight as a team, couldn't help Sam with - she was alone, and they were powerless to aid her.

> He looked up to find Jack at the door, his figure framed in half-shadow by the dimly lit corridor behind him.

> "Danny."

> "Jack."

> There was a pause, as if Jack didn't know what else to say. Yet there was clearly something on his mind, Daniel could tell by the expression on his face. 

> "What's the matter?"

> Jack sighed deeply, a sigh that suddenly reminded Daniel of how old his friend was getting. He and Jack had had their share of differences in the past ... *a lot* of differences ... But somehow in the end these differences merely served to make their friendship all the more stronger. 

> Jack entered the lab, closing the door behind him. Daniel frowned in concern at the seriousness of Jack's expression.

> He sighed again. "Hammond said I should retire." 

> "What?" Daniel was incredulous. Why on earth?...

> "'Cause the Appropriations Committee people were here the past few days. Apparently saw the way I was acting. Jumped to conclusions ... And we both know who'll make the most out of this."

> Daniel did know. Senator Kinsey. 

> Daniel sat back onto his chair, removing his glasses to rub his bleary eyes. The day just got a whole lot worse.

> "I mean, they can't *make* you retire, right? I mean ... there's got to be some way you can get around this ..."

> "The thing is ... I've been thinking Daniel. It's just not me any more. I wouldn't mind facing court martial, except ..."

> "... You don't want to drag Sam's career down with yours."

> Jack nodded, and Daniel understood his dilemma. 

> "What about Major Davis? He's at the Pentagon, surely ... he could something?" Could he? Even Daniel thought it was a bit of a stretch for Major Davis to pull a miracle like that out of his hat. 

> Jack shook his head. "It's an Air Force regs breach. If anything, there'll be a court martial."

> Daniel looked penetratingly at Jack, understanding dawning on his face. "You're retiring, aren't you?"

> Jack's answer was short, distinct. "Yeah." 

> It was Daniel's turn to sigh. Sigh at the stupidity of it. To be forced to retire just because of stupid, idiotic regulations, that didn't make sense in the first place ... 

> "Have you told Teal'c?" 

> Jack nodded. "I even did that kel'no'reem thing with him."

> Daniel didn't ask what kel'no'reem had to do with talking to Teal'c about Jack retiring. There were so many things that Jack said that Daniel didn't understand, so he just let it pass. 

> "Well I guess I'm going to tell Hammond. I ... guess I just wanted to tell you guys first."

> Daniel nodded silently, forcing himself to accept the fact that Jack would no longer be part of the team. There was a horrible, sinking feeling at the bottom of his stomach as he realised that this was the end of SG-1.

* * *

(c) Vivian Ngan January 2001

> 


	9. All's Well That Ends Well

**

> CHAPTER NINE

**

> Sam felt her hand gently brushed against something soft. Stirring, she gradually opened her eyes to blinding white light. She gave an involuntary gasp as the sudden lumination struck her.

> "What the-?" She suddenly realised that she was back at the SGC, in the infirmary. Myriads of wires and tubes were hooked up to her arms, and something was jammed down her throat. She tried to sit up, but found that she didn't have the energy to do more than make her body twitch.

> And then she saw him. 

> She saw the battle-hardened, always alert Jack O'Neill - fast asleep, his head resting on the side of her bed. His ruffled grey hair was sprayed in all directions, suggesting he had been having fitful dreams. She reached out to smooth his hair back as a young medical technician entered into the makeshift ICU.

> "Major Carter!" She exclaimed, making Jack almost jump out of seat and slide onto the floor. He quickly picked himself back up again, and gazed at Sam as if she were a figment of his imagination.

> "Sam?" He whispered softly. He must have seen the puzzled expression on her face as she took in everything all at once - she was in the infirmary, obviously had been injured, and Jack had stayed with her. 

> Jack had stayed with her, and he had been worried.

> All thought was wiped from her mind as he suddenly rushed towards her, almost choking her in his desperate gratitude. "Oh my God Sam, you're awake. Baby you're awake ..." 

> "Yeshmph" She tried to speak but found it difficult nestled so tightly against his chest. She hugged him back, not knowing exactly why he was so grateful that she was awake ... and then she remembered. 

> That falling tree ... branch, or whatever ... It had come straight for her, and she couldn't remember anything after that. 

> "Jack." She managed to gasp aloud, and at long last Jack released her from his tight embrace. He gazed longingly at her, his hazel eyes the most intense she had ever seen them, while trailing one finger down the contour of her face. What the hell was going on?

> "What happened?" 

> She could see fleeting indecision on his face, but then he didn't have the opportunity to answer her as Janet came in hot on the heels of the young medical technician. Janet too seemed to have a kind of beaming relief on her face.

> "Sam!" Again Sam found herself almost asphyxiating from another tight embrace from Janet. 

> "Janet, what's going on?" 

> Janet was evidently more prepared to face her questions and promptly told her, in unmistakable tones of worry, that she had been in a coma. She began to check her vitals.

> "What?" She looked to Jack, and Janet, and then back again. "For how long?" 

> Janet ignored Jack as he almost clung to Sam's hand. "A couple of days. You had us all worried." Janet looked pointedly at Jack. 

> "God." Sam found the news hard to digest. One look at Jack and she knew how serious the injury had been. 

> A curious silence descended as each person became lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly Sam could hear a shuffling footsteps, and into the infirmary came General Hammond, Daniel and Teal'c.

> The General came in and gave her a warm, friendly hug. Daniel hurried forward and with the same kind of desperate relief as Jack and Janet; he practically hurled himself into her arms and whispered, "Don't you ever do that to me again Sam. You're the only family I have." 

> Tears involuntarily welled in her eyes as even Teal'c lost his customary reserve long enough to give her a profound hug. 

> She looked up at the group standing next to her bed and it struck her - how important she was to these people, and how important these people were to her. She tried to picture herself in their shoes and understood the trauma they had been going through the past few days for her. But somehow, despite the injury and worry, she was glad - glad that she had found a kind of surrogate family that she could always depend upon.

> She smiled, crinkling up her blue eyes as she spoke. "Glad to know you guys missed me."

> Daniel looked to Jack, who suddenly became very interested in his shoes. "Oh ... I think you'll never really know how much." He smiled at her, a smile of relief and feeling. "We're just glad you're okay Sam."

> For Sam the rest of the time was spent catching up on what had happened since her injury. Jack and Daniel took turns in relaying how they had gotten off P2C267 with a whole battalion of jaffas hot on their heels; Teal'c's only comment was that she was extremely heavy, to which she gave a friendly punch on the arm.

> At long last Janet herded them out of the infirmary for the ostensible reason that Sam needed some rest, although she didn't really feel all that tired. Jack remained behind after a hurried conversation with Janet.

> He sat back down in the seat he had vacated when she woke up. Sam could now sense that there was something wrong, something he wasn't telling her by the look in his eyes. His eyes darted back and forth nervously as if anxious about telling her about something particularly unpleasant.

> "Jack?" She asked him quietly. "What's wrong?"

> He sighed a sigh of heavy resignation. "I've retired."

> "What?" He had to restrain her as she tried to leap out of the bed. "What? Why?" she cried indignantly.

> "Listen to me Sam, it's all for the best." She gave him an almost hostile look as he told her about his behaviour when she had been in the coma. How a representative from the Appropriations Committee had seen him behave in that bizarre and irrational manner when she had been brought back hurt, how he had refused to leave her side ... tiny little small things that spoke volumes about his feelings for his second-in-command that had been difficult to ignore. 

> Sam could hardly believe it ... This wasn't what they had planned for! If only she hadn't gotten herself hurt, this never would have happened. It was all her fault.

> "I'm sorry Sam." 

> "What? Why?"

> "I let you down. If only I hadn't been so obvious, so ... I should've been more guarded, more ... I don't know ... It's just ..." he cleared his throat, preparing to utter those words that would bind him to her forever. "I love you Sam. I ... realised that I can't afford to lose you. Not now. Not ever."

> "Oh Jack ..." Sam felt herself crying in response to Jack's speech. It was the most honest, most wonderful thing she had heard from anyone. It was so beautiful ... and so right that it was spoken by this man, this wonderful man she had come to know through the years. Sam realised that this was really who she had been born for. *This* was fate. Colonel Jack O'Neill was the one for her, and if there had been any doubt before, they were all washed away the second he spoke three tiny words.

> "I love you Sam."

> She smiled, her heart as light as a feather. "I love you too Jack." 

> ***

> Daniel peered over his glasses at Sam, who was busy tugging her equipment off her tired, soaked body. They had just come back from the second water logged planet in as many missions, and the team was definitely feeling the strain. Daniel now knew what annoyed Jack so much about planets with trees. He prayed to God that they never go to another planet that had so much rain that they practically needed to swim towards the 'gate to get back home. He sighed. There weren't even enough interesting artefacts on P3N 729 to get excited about.

> "God." Sam's voice became slightly muffled as she practically prised her pack from her back. "If I see another water planet, so help me ..."

> "Yeah I know what you mean." Daniel sat down, unwilling to move himself to the locker room. He eyed Sam sharply. "You didn't wear that thing around your neck, did you? It might cut your throat in your sleep." 

> Sam self-consciously fingered the diamond ring she wore around her neck. "What? It's okay ... I'm not taking a chance with this." She continued fingering the precious stone. "Jack would kill me if I lost it." 

> Daniel grinned. "Oh right." He paused as Sam began tugging off her boots. "I helped him pick it out you know."

> "Really?" Sam was genuinely surprised. "When-?" 

> She was cut off by a young airman as he entered the room. "Major Carter, General Hammond would like to start the debriefing as soon as SG-1 is ready."

> "Thanks Connolly." Sam smiled at the young man, causing him to blush a rosy red. 

> "Ma'am."

> "I can't believe Hammond wants to see us so soon." Captain Will O'Connor practically collapsed onto the bench. "There's no way I'm going to move from here, so you'll just have to go without me Major." 

> "Yeah right, O'Connor." Sam threw a sweat-soaked towel toward her prostrate team mate. "Get yourself cleaned up. I expect to see you at the debriefing no more than five minutes after I arrive. That's an order." She smiled at the young Captain as she headed for the locker room. 

> "Yes Ma'am." He muttered, and Daniel couldn't help laughing at him. O'Connor was so young and enthusiastic, he was like the child Daniel was when he had first discovered the Stargate. 

> "Come on, you heard what Sam said. Get moving." With that Daniel hauled himself off the bench, dragging his equipment behind him. 

> ***

> O'Connor was barely seated when General Hammond began the debriefing. True to his commander's order, he had arrived five minutes later than the Major, who was sitting opposite him. She frowned slightly at his dishevelled appearance, but O'Connor noticed that the corners of her mouth were slightly upturned. He breathed a sigh of relief to himself. 

> "Okay people. Before I begin the debriefing, I'd like to introduce you to your new civilian specialist." 

> Sam sat bolt upright, alarmed at the news. "Sir? *Our* new specialist? With all due respect Sir, we've just got our team sorted out after Jack ... the Colonel left. We don't have room for another person on the team."

> Daniel agreed. "General, SG-1's always been a four person team. I realise that with Jack gone things might be different, but ... we don't really need another person on the team."

> "Dr. Jackson," General Hammond countered. "SG-1 is the only team currently with less than six members. The policy with team composition was determined a long time ago. We held off on SG-1 because you people seemed to work so well together. But ... it's time for change. And this specialist's appointment is not a matter for discussion."

> Sam looked towards O'Connor and Teal'c, a look of resignation on her face. "Where's he transferring from?"

> "*He* is transferring from Colorado Springs ..." Sam whirled around in disbelief at the sound of his voice. How could this be? ...

> The General was grinning from ear to ear, a look of profound satisfaction on his round face. "Colonel O'Neill was good enough to come out of retirement to help us out around here." 

> "Please, call me Jack." Jack grinned smugly at the stunned expressions on their faces. It had been hell trying to keep his appointment secret from Sam. "I'm going to be ..." he looked over to General Hammond, " ... your civilian tactical consultant. So, if you have any questions, just come to me and I'll ... consult."

> "Jack, why didn't you tell me?" Sam was well and truly floored. 

> "I wanted to see that look on your face." He pointed at her as she blushed. "Yeah, that one." 

> "Okay people. We've still got a debriefing to go through you know. And Jack - you can sit in on this one."

> "Thank you Sir." Jack hopped into one of the vacant chairs near Sam, and gave her one of his cheekiest boyish grins. 

> Sam shook her head in disbelief. A civilian Jack under her command would take some getting used to, although ... it wasn't as if she wasn't already used to ordering him around at home. It would take some getting used to, but all in all, it would be a really good arrangement. 

> She grinned evilly. Yes, there could be some *very* interesting things she could get him to do ...

* * *

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> Author's Note:

> I just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to write a review or to provide feedback to me personally. It really motivated me, and I was glad that there were other people out there who enjoyed reading what I had written. Thanks!

_

> (c) Vivian Ngan January 2001


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